Dangerous Animal Of The Week: Brazilian Wandering Spider

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Oh great, a spider that wanders. That’s just what we needed. Thanks a lot, God.

The Brazilian wandering spider is a nocturnal killing machine that refuses to build webs like a normal spider, instead walking around all night like a psycho, looking for things to murder and grub on. During the day, they hide in places that are easily disturbed by people, like houses and cars, or in your shoes, or in piles of wood, which is just super neat for humans. Traditionally residing in South America, they’ve been found in different areas all over the world because of their propensity to lie low in random places like crates filled with fruits and vegetables that are shipped out of Brazil. They specifically like hiding out in bunches of bananas, which is why they’re also known as “banana spiders.”

This is exactly why I don’t eat fruit.

Like some shit straight out of a horror movie, these freaks have eight eyes that are arranged into three rows. The first row rocks two sets of peepers, the second has four, and the third has two bigger eyes. The better to see you with, my dear. Creepy as hell.

What is so scary about a damn Brazilian wandering spider?

Where do I start? The Brazilian wandering spider is the world’s most venomous spider. It’s in the Guinness Book of World Records for that shit. Unlike other spiders that bail when they hear humans coming, this thing bucks up, becomes aggressive and attacks. That’s probably why its Greek name, Phoneutria, means “murderess.” No big deal. It also kicks its legs up and does a crazy dance, rocking from side to side, as a warning when it feels threatened.

If you’ve got a dick, a bite from the Brazilian wandering spider will give you a four-hour erection. Unfortunately, it will also kill you. At least you’ll die fully torqued. Because of this weirdness, its venom is being studied for use in erectile dysfunction treatments. Wild stuff, fam.

What should I do if I encounter a Brazilian wandering spider?

Dance with it. Dance the dangerous dance of life. Hopefully this will at least partially distract the spider so that you can locate the nearest heavy object and throw it at the fucker. Repeat until this venomous boner-giving beast has ceased to exist. Or just use a broom to fling it outside if you’re against killing or whatever.

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Ross Bolen

Ross Bolen is a New York Times Bestselling author, co-host of the Oysters, Clams & Cockles: Game of Thrones podcast, co-host of the Back Door Cover sports podcast, 2017 Masters attendee, bigger and more loyal Rockets, Astros and Texans fan than you, cheese enchilada aficionado, and nap god.

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