My Pandora has played nothing but songs about quitting your job to move to the beach. PGP.

I brought donuts to the office today. My boss told everyone it was him. PGP.

My life is one part “The Office,” two parts “Office Space,” zero parts funny. PGP.

When I feel too lazy to work, I’ll answer all the SportsNation polls to look like I’m busy. PGP.

I got a job in my college town. So now when I’m out, I’m referred to as “that old guy.” PGP.

My only Tinder match in the past week ended up blocking me. I didn’t even say hi. PGP.

Referring to customers by their characteristics, not by their names. PGP.

It used to be “No new friends” because I didn’t want any. Now it’s “no new friends” because I can’t make any. PGP.

Being on double secret probation isn’t as fun as it was in college. PGP.

I miss being able to relate to TFM. PGP.

My bank posts my paycheck as “pending” the day before pay day, essentially teasing me with my own money. PGP.

LinkedIn suggested that I connect with the officer who arrested me freshman year. PGP.