Friend-zoning myself in record time. PGP.

“How’d that game turn out? I fell asleep.” PGP.

I don’t know what it’s like to be fat, but I’m awfully close to finding out. PGP.

Saying you’re “looking forward to working together” to someone you despise. PGP.

Getting less Tinder matches in college towns. PGP.

Instinctively following your name with what company you are with on the phone, even during personal calls. PGP.

If you can’t dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bullshit. PGP.

I swear my company installed wi-fi blockers in all the restrooms. PGP.

My boss just caught me submitting this. PGP.

Haven’t been carded in months. PGP.

Just told a joke to the guy in the cube next to me. He wasn’t there. PGP.

Getting so bored at work that you actually do work. PGP.