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Hi, I’m Samantha (yeah, plot twist: my name’s not actually Summer) and I’m a social media stalker. If you say you’re not, well, you’re lying.
If you tell me you’ve never had heart palpitations because you think you accidentally double-tapped a picture from your best friend’s cousin’s ex-girlfriend’s trip to Florence two years ago, I promise you I’ll never drink coffee again… Lies, but still. I’m never giving up coffee, you psychos.
Social media stalking is more than just a waste of time. There’s a thrill of only knowing someone’s first name and where they went to school and still being able to find them on Facebook. That cute girl you just matched with on Bumble and have 30 mutual friends with? Yeah, she’s going through your mutual friends to find out more about you. That hot guy that added you on Snapchat? He’s watching your Snapchat story to see what you’re up to and hope that you use the puppy filter at some point.
There’s a crucial distinction between Facebook and Instagram stalking, though. Facebook is a much better tool to see who your mutual friends are (and to end up playing a round of Jewish Geography. Instagram is better for “girl-crush” stalking – aka stalking a girl who you don’t really know but she takes great pictures of food and vacations and her pictures are always perfectly filtered and you just really want her life, ok? Ok.
Think about it – there’s no point of even having five-year reunions anymore. We all know what everyone’s doing with their lives. Some people are working in advertising, others started dating that guy they’ve known since kindergarten, and others are becoming famous *derriére* models on Instagram. You can find out what virtually anyone in your life has been up to in a matter of seconds. It’s instant gratification.
Oh, and let’s not forget the biggest stalkers of all: ourselves. There is no one, I repeat, no one, that looks through your tagged pictures or scrolls through your old tweets remembering how weird/funny you are as much as you do. Sorry to break the spell here, but you know it’s true.
This is the thing, though: we all do it. Let’s stop pretending we don’t and just acknowledge our creepiness. It’s time, people. Carpe diem or some shit like that. Enough of saying “oh, yeah, I’ve heard of them” when you’re asked if you know someone you don’t actually know personally. Like, you’ve heard of them because you were looking through their profile pictures the other night. You probably even know their dog’s name for crying out loud. Enough is enough, we’re all big, fat social media stalkers whether you like it or not.
Well, now that that’s all settled… My social media handles are below. .
Image via Shutterstock