My freshman year of college I took a temp job that required me to pick up a dump truck in Eagleville, Tennessee and drive it to Dallas, Texas. Why? Because I’m awesome that’s why. This temp gig afforded me many fascinating opportunities. For instance, I stole a street sign that was the name of a friend of mine (it was a unique name), I caught a Dave Matthews show in Nashville, and since the truck was equipped with a CB radio, I learned a fair amount of trucker slang.
The highlight of the trip, however, was when I stopped in Memphis (where I was in college at the time) for a day of alcohol and dump truck-related fun. As part of this fun, I strapped a tarp to the bin, snaked a hose into it and left the hose on for about 2 hours. Once it was filled, I had a mobile hot tub. Few things in the world are as special as a hot tub on the back of a dump truck.
Philadelphia, a town known for its sunniness and for being the birthplace of Rasheed Wallace, has recently discovered the pleasures of ad hoc bodies of water. Over the past few weeks, several esteemed drunks have ordered dumpsters, placed tarps and cushions inside of them and filled them with water by opening up fire hydrants. This idea is the trademark ingenuity of a populace that conducts most of its business with a cheesy sandwich-based currency.
Unfortunately for all Philadelphians and revelers worldwide, this practice has been halted by the oppressive city government. The mayor’s office issued forth a hilariously rude and direct statement:
In view of the City’s commitment to public health, safety and basic common sense, we will not issue permits for block party dumpster pools. And while you would think this decision would not require an explanation, three days of press requests have proven otherwise. So, Philly, here’s why you shouldn’t swim in a receptacle most often used for waste:
• First and foremost, this could reduce the amount of water available should a fire break out in that neighborhood. So if you would like to have water available should a fire break out in your home, don’t illegally tap a hydrant
• There is also the potential loss of life by injury due to the hydrant water pushing a small child or even an adult into oncoming traffic.
• Finally, remember that the pressure of the water coming out of the hydrant is so strong, and so powerful, that if opened too quickly or closed too quickly, it could deliver a jolt to the main of sufficient force that could break the main … and many blocks could lose water service until it is repaired.
We are not screwing around, Philly. The Streets Department will not issue any future block party permits to the 2400 block of Cedar, and officials have contacted the dumpster rental company regarding its failures to obtain the proper closure permits and to take mandatory measures to protect the street during placement of the dumpster.
In short, the City strongly recommends that residents opt for recreational options that are safer, more sanitary, and less likely to deplete the resources firefighters need in an emergency.
It saddens me to say this, but I guess we have to add dumpster pools to the list of things that Philadelphia hates. This kind of makes sense, as that list already includes Santa Claus and Beyoncé. Really makes you wonder why we tolerate these assholes..
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