50 Shades Of I Don’t Give a Shit


With the recent buzz about the “50 Shades of Grey” trailer coming out, and with the movie soon following, I just have one thing to say: I don’t give a shit. I’ve never really given a shit about the “50 Shades of Grey” series, Christian Grey, or his naive, marginally attractive, human Fleshlight, Anastasia–who is unfortunately named after one of the most underrated animated movies of our childhood.

Who cares about some damaged, rich shithead who’s into S&M, bondage, and other freaky, creepy sex shit? When this book hit the shelves, women were talking about how hot it was and acted as if erotic literature hasn’t been around for years and years. How hot is it really, though? I thought female empowerment was the big thing now? Why is the big, collective, female, sexual fantasy some rich guy making a girl his blow up sex doll to whom he can do whatever he wants? I guarantee if half of the series’ fans pulled out a whip, chains, collars, handcuffs, leather gear, double-sided dildos, matching butt plugs, and whatever the hell other “Pulp Fiction” gimp accessories are found in the book, they wouldn’t be able to look their partner in the eye for a month. And beating someone with a belt (thanks Wikipedia)? That doesn’t sound sexual to me. Then again, who knows what depraved shit some women would do in order to bang a millionaire, especially when strippers are out there tongue-punching Drake’s butthole?

I’m no prude. I’ve licked my share of peanut butter off the metaphorical spoon, but sadism? Masochism? Any kind of fucked-up-ism in the bedroom? That’s not going to be enjoyable. This is nothing more than an overplayed fantasy, and the movie is going to be worse than the book, mostly because the lonely, sex starved female fans can’t play with themselves in the movie theater. Then again, maybe the movie coming out is a good thing. Maybe seeing this depraved asshole with their own eyes will destroy the series and free all of us from ever hearing about it again. No one has talked about this series in two years, anyway, but now that the movie is coming out all the lonely hags are going to start chatting about it again. No normal human being cares.

So no, I’m not going to give this movie, nor this series, any more attention than it deserves, and hell no, I have no interest in seeing the movie. Based on the trailer, it looks more like a perverted version of “What Lies Beneath,” except this guy seems like more of a potential murderer than Harrison Ford ever did. Or maybe “a less entertaining, more vibrating butt plug-filled version of ‘American Psycho’” is a better description. Regardless, whatever’s left of the Christian Grey’s Penis Fan Club can enjoy the farce of a fantasy if they want. While they’re drooling over the prospect of BDSM, I’ll be having real, enjoyable, non-contractual, consensual sex with a woman who is actually attractive, and I won’t need a room full of sex toys to get the job done.

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"Technically, Pablo Escobar was in sales."

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