1. Wearing pants is like wearing a push-up bra.
Ever been hooking up with a girl, removed her bra and realized you’ve been swindled by the magic of Victoria’s Secret? It happens. For the chicken-legged male, pants serve as a deterrent to anyone noticing what you lack in the limb department, much like a push-up bra does for the flat-chested female. Fortunately, I’m yet to meet a woman with a fetish that involves the groping or sucking of calves.
2. People absolutely love pointing out, “You have chicken legs!”
No shit. You think I don’t know that? I’ve lived my entire life in this body. Why is it that pointing out chicken legs is socially acceptable, but pointing out someone’s freakishly large ears or receding hairline is uncouth? Double standard, if you ask me.
3. Men mistake you for a lesbian babe from 50-yards away.
“Damn, check out the stems on that hot blonde at 12 o’clock.”
“Dude, that’s Jim.”
4. No amount of calf raises can repair your genetic predisposition.
People often ask, “Why don’t you just work them out more?” It doesn’t work that way, idiot. This shit is genetic. My dad has chicken legs, and my mom has great calves. I ended up with my dad’s legs, and my little brother inherited Herculean calves from our mother. To compensate for his clearly superior lower leg definition, I mercilessly beat him until he was big enough to fight back. That’s just the way the cookie crumbles. I’ve since made peace with the fact that I can’t just do calf raises and box jumps until my calves are the size of softballs. There is no fixing me. This is who I am.
It’s unfortunate. Very unfortunate.
6. If you let yourself get fat, you start to look like a stork.
Storks have those big, feathery bodies sitting on stick legs. That’s how a fat man with chicken legs looks. It is scientifically impossible for me to gain weight in my calves, so even if the rest of my body gets plump, my legs will remain stick-like. I won’t lie, I got a little storkish after college. It wasn’t a good look. Would’ve been cooler if someone nicknamed me “The Stork,” but unfortunately that never happened.
7. You get respect on the running trail, because people think you’re some kind of champion marathoner.
When stork status got old, I hit the running trail to regain the shape of a healthy human. That’s when I started getting nods of respect from heftier runners. At first I didn’t understand why, but then it hit me. Have you ever seen a marathon winner? Those dudes all have chicken legs. People automatically assume I’m some long-distance badass due to my complete lack of calf definition.
8. You’re always one bowling ball to the leg away from never walking again.
These things are pretty much just bone. There’s no padding. If something goes wrong, they’ll snap like a dry twig, and that’ll be it. I’m pretty sure Kevin Ware has chicken legs. The struggle is real.
9. You can do a better “chicken dance” than anyone you know.
It just comes naturally.
10. The squat rack is terrifying, as is lifting anything of considerable weight.
You’d think guys with chicken legs would at least regularly hit the squat rack to beef up their thighs, but that shit is terrifying. It’s like balancing a brick on a pencil.
11. It could be worse.
Hey, at least you don’t have cankles. Cankles are gross.