I Made Our Intern Write A Report On A 10-Hour Video Of Fart Sounds

Here at Grandex World Headquarters, we have assembled a crack team of interns. The best and the brightest from across America. The Grandex Summer Internship Program is reserved for the top one percent of college students who are willing to be berated by 23-30 year olds on a daily basis, all while making minimum wage and being forced to eat their lunch out of a dog bowl. It’s pretty much like Top Gun for degenerate college kids.

One of Grandex’s brightest rising stars is The DeVry Guy. Kid keeps telling us that he went to DeVry, when he’s actually going to be a senior at Wisconsin. We tried to tell him that going to DeVry would actually work against him in regards to his reputation around the office, but he’s resilient. I’m surprised the kid’s still with us. We’re nearing August and I still haven’t let him eat anything other than one pack of saltines and only drink eight ounces of watered down Crystal Light a day. He’s got the heart of a lion.

As his internship came to a close, he was required one task for PGP. To write a detailed report on this video:

So, I locked DeVry in a storage closet in the back of the office for 10 hours and put “fart beat” on full blast. When the 10 hours were up, he emerged with this:

Farts Are People Too: A Detailed Report On “Fart Beat”

“Fart Beat”, a fart-based dance number uploaded to Youtube by user “Kipper” on February 20, 2013, has a much deeper meaning than its comical façade leads on. In this paper, I will explain the intricacies and deeper meaning of this piece.

“Fart Beat” is a commentary on the role of the fart in society. When one watches the video, the first thing they see is a picture of a human expelling gas with a circle and slash projected over him. In western signage, this means that farting is not allowed. As the entire song is a series of farts of different tunes masterfully mixed into a symphony of shit gas, clearly Kipper disagrees with this decree of society. In a further act of defiance, the video, which its title declares is “[10 hours]” long, is actually only 9:59:59. This only furthers Kipper’s disagreement with societal norms.

Furthermore, while just the main bass and high-pitched toots of “Fart Beat” appear to be farts, if you listen closely, every sound, in fact, comes from an ass. The fact that these sounds come from an ass does NOT, however, make them shit. The perfect rhythm of b-hole openers in “Fart Beat” is Kipper’s way of saying “the fart can be beautiful if you listen to what it is saying and do not just dismiss it for it’s smell.”

Finally, the fact that “Fart Beat” is looped for 9:59:59 is not an act of laziness by Kipper. This repetition was done incredibly on purpose as an act of fart solidarity. Kipper knows that farts have always been around, will always be around, and will never change. Consider the present to be around 5:00:00 into the video. From this reference point, the past and future are one. There is no difference, there is no growth, there is only fart.

Once the world can finally get over its disdain for the invisible ass cloud, “Fart Beat” is sure to be a chart topper.

Gonna miss the kid.


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Brian McGannon

What do I love? I love happy hour, a good golf tan, and getting moderately drunk during dinner.

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