27 Things You’ll See In Every 20-Something Guy’s Tinder Profile


If he likes to fish, he’s gonna let you know about it. Like, really. All of his pictures will be him with a catch. All. Of. Them. He may not even be in the picture with said fish.

  1. “Work hard, play hard(er).”
  2. Some guys will only post one picture, as if that’s enough for anything with ovaries.
  3. Every picture is a group picture. WHICH ONE ARE YOU?
  4. “P.S. Not my kid(s).”
  5. Sometimes the only shared interest we have is “Fight Club,” essentially letting me know we have nothing to talk about. Because the first rule of “Fight Club” is…
  6. Every picture is of him in sunglasses with maybe a picture of him after a night of drinking thrown into the mix. Basically, you can’t really see his eyes, which just screams “trustworthy.”
  7. A random quote, be it from F. Scott Fitzgerald or “Animal House,” that is not pertinent to anything.
  8. Gym selfies. So many gym selfies. Shirtless gym selfies, cut-off tee gym selfies, pull-my-shirt-up gym selfies, mid-workout gym selfies. Just gym selfies.
  9. “Just looking for my Tinderella.” That was funny maybe the first time I heard it.
  10. The occasional guido-wannabe. Wasn’t aware this was still a thing until Tinder. Wasn’t aware this was a thing in the South, either. The more you know…
  11. Pictures with random, unspecified women. Is this your sister? Is this your wife? Regardless, automatic left swipe, fellas.
  12. Either no bio or his entire life story.
  13. “I thought this was a campfire app…” LOL no.
  14. “New to this but let’s see what happens…” It has been his Tinder bio for the past year.
  15. Their Twitter or Instagram handles. Which really, if you think about it, defeats the purpose of Tinder: anonymity. Girls be creepin’.
  16. The way-too-attractive guy with all the right pictures, who will inevitably message you with, “Hey, cutie ;)” and insult your adulthood.
  17. “You’re it.”–entrapment for ticking time bombs and girls with low self-esteem
  18. Blurry pictures or pictures so pixelated that they could’ve been (and probably were) used for their MySpace profile in 2003.
  19. For ages 18-23: Patagonia, Vineyard Vines, the Bro-tie, America apparel, Chubbies, American flag-print Chubbies, Polo, and don’t even get me started on the visors. The abundance of this is staggering.
  20. The black-and-white or otherwise overly-filtered pictures of the artsy, mean-mugging guy. He can be found at least once every ten swipes.
  21. A picture that isn’t a picture of himself as the first picture you see. I can only assume you’re ashamed of yourself, bro.
  22. “I don’t know what to put here.” So I’ll just put this? Makes sense. Those student loans sure were worth it.
  23. Driving selfies.
  24. Groomsman pictures. You’re letting a bunch of strange women see what you could potentially look like on your wedding day. If you want to open up that can of crazy, more power to ya.
  25. 5K pictures, making me painfully aware that if I swipe right and by some miracle we take this Tindership out on dry land, you’re probably going to ask me to run. And no.
  26. High school football pictures. Nothing says, “I’m a man,” quite like someone who tries to get a woman via his glory days.
  27. “Not looking for love.” Well, duh.

Moral of the story: if you’re looking for love on Tinder, you’re probably looking in the wrong place. If you’re looking for someone to Snapchat nudes to, DING DING DING, we have a winner.

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My state gave you J. Law, Clooney, two-fifths of the Backstreet Boys, and multiple fifths of bourbon. I gave you a cover letter using Brian McKnight lyrics. Psuedo-adult by day; PGP, TFM, and TSM contributor by night. Please don't ask me to do math.

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