18 Reasons I’ll Never Be A Millionaire Based On This List Of 18 Things Millionaires Do

18 Reasons I'll Never Be A Millionaire Based On This List Of 18 Things Millionaires Do

A lot of people quote great philosophers to begin their stereotypical millennial columns, and I’m going to just that to begin this one.

Money, money, money ain’t shit to me, but I gotta make a lot just to be free. – Kid Rock

Often times when I’m going through a tough time in my life, I turn to the wisdom of Mr. Rock. A tough playoff loss? I lick my wounds while listening to “Only God Knows Why.” I feel like taking down fifteen Labatts on a pontoon boat? Someone cue up “All Summer Long” for me one time. I’m just cruising the highway? “Purple Sky,” baby. And when I question what I’m doing in life? “Prodigal Son,” where the above quote is from.

Money? It’s a nuisance on the surface but a necessary evil in order to enjoy your life. While I’ve come to terms with the fact that I’m probably not going to be a millionaire, this infographic that Thought Catalog published further solidified that truth.

These are the 18 habits eventual millionaires have that I just can’t see myself adopting.

1. Say “no.”
When you say “no” you have more time to read, learn, sleep, ask questions, contact friends, love life. Say “no” more.

I know becoming a millionaire isn’t supposed to be easy, but saying “no” is just something that’s not in my repertoire. Sunday afternoon beers? Drop a pin so I know where you are. Someone hands me a shot? I’m taking it despite knowing it’ll lead to a rambling conversation with my Uber driver. Girlfriend needs something from the store? I’m going because it’s too late in life to be on the market.

2. Love.
This is the only religion. This is the only thing worth surrendering to. This is the fuel for your idea muscle.

Easy, Bob Marley. You’re not going to become a millionaire if you’re hitting the boardroom with “love is my religion” sentiments. Unless you’re a Tevas rep with dreadlocks and a killer tan, you’re going to get laughed at behind closed doors the second you walk out.

3. Make mistakes.
Mistakes are the spell books of success. Study them hard. Learn their incantations. When muscles tear, they rebuild stronger.

You had me until the whole “muscle tear” analogy. Experts say that if I tear a muscle at this point in my life, there’s a very small chance I’ll rebound stronger. It’s kind of like when an old person breaks a hip. Once you hear that news, you know it’s time to call a home.

4. Plant seeds.
Basic garden math: 1% of the seeds turns into 50% of the flowers. Plant lots of seeds.

If you can get through college making sure that 0% of your seeds turn into 0% of flowers, well, you’re ahead of the game.

5. Be around people who are kind to you and love you.
Other people will make you unhappy, unkind, and unsuccessful.

All of my friends are shitheads who will throw me under the bus for a laugh from a cute girl, ten times out of ten. Oh, and me? Yeah, I’m the exact same way.

6. Stand next to the smartest person in the room.
Harold Ramis did it (Bill Murray). Steve Jobs did it (Steve Wozniak). Craig Silverstein did it (Who? Larry Page). Kanye West did it (Jay-Z). I make money ONLY when I do this.

Please see above. If I was rolling with power players like Wozniak and Larry Page, I wouldn’t be pushing keys for a living – I’d be in The Keys on vacation. And I’m not sure how you overlooked Jerry Seinfeld and Larry David here, but figure it out. Last time I checked, Seinfeld went on to make Bee Movie and Comedians In Cars Making Lame Jokes while Larry David went on to write and star in HBO’s funniest show. Don’t @ me.

7. No excuses.
Blaming is draining. Complaining is draining. Explaining is draining. We don’t have enough inner plumbing for all that draining.

Rule #76: No excuses, play like a champion. This isn’t Wedding Crashers just like John told Todd. If you think I’m taking a bullet for the shittiest member on my team, you’re gravely mistaken. If someone doesn’t pull their weight, I’m going to blame it on them and complain until the cows come home.

8. Don’t be in a rush.
Every overnight success I’ve spoken to took 10-20 years to get there. But ONLY if they celebrated small successes along the way.

You know what doesn’t have time? Student loans. Girlfriends. Parents. The rest of the world. We live in a dog-eat-dog “now now now” world, guy. No one told Zuck he had to wait 20 years to become a millionaire, and I don’t think it’s fair to treat anyone else differently.

9. Solve difficult gratitude problems.
If you can find a diamond in the mud, you’re going to end up with a lot of diamonds in life.

Are you making a Blood Diamond analogy? Because last time I checked, Kanye West (you know, the guy next to Jay-Z) wasn’t singing about Sierra Leone because those people were just crushing life. I’d rather be finding diamonds at jewelry stores using the money that made me a millionaire. I hear Jay-Z has a dude named Jacob I can talk to.

10. Warren Buffett’s 5/25 Rule.
Make a list of the 25 things you want to do in life. Now do the top 5 and never think about the other 20 ever again. Else they will take time away from the five most important to you.

I don’t need to make a list of 25 things I want to do in life when I can sum it up into one thing: get rich or die trying. That’s from 50 Cent, a guy who stood next to Eminem.

11. Write down 10 ideas a day.
This actually turns into a super power. Do this for six months straight and see what happens.

The last time I wrote down every idea I had, it was just a bunch of shitty column ideas that include (but aren’t limited to): How Lit Would Each Of Jimmy John’s Clubs Be If They Were Actual Clubs, The Invincibility Of A Tuxedo, Ranking The Top X Covers Of “Atlantic City,” and The Time I Woke Up In My Neighbor’s Yukon Denali.

Actually, maybe this is a good idea.

12. Follow up.
I’m shy and bad at this. And lazy. Send an email the next day with an idea on the next step. I have to do this.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: I’m not a follow-up guy. Following up is for squids who have no balls. When someone asks me why I didn’t follow up with them, I ask them why they didn’t accomplish what I asked in the first place. I’ve got other things to do than worry about the shit on your plate.

13. Ask questions.
There are more questions than answers. Opportunities are buried in the questions. Facts can be outsourced.

To a fault, I’m the dude who can’t hold a conversation because I revert every topic at hand back to myself. You talking about your sister who’s studying abroad in Peru? Let me tell you about the diorama I did of Macchu Picchu back in 6th grade. You got a promotion? Sick, let me tell you about this sweater that just went on sale that I’m considering buying. You’re having a kid? Oh, me? I hate ’em – let me tell you all about it.

14. 1% a day.
Whatever you want to get better at, do 1% more each day. 1% a day, compounded, is 3800% a year. You win.

I’m not going to get to the 1% by doing 1% a day. I need to do, like, 50% a day. If my bank account compounded like the math above, I still don’t even think I’d be rich. I’m no mathematician but 1% x 365 is like 300%? I don’t know, I only went up to calculus before I realized math wasn’t for me.

15. Right now.
Regret will waste time today worrying about yesterday. And anxiety will steal energy from the future. Focus on right now.

Yeah, sure, just go chuck the deuces at your boss and tell them that you’ve got a passion project that you need to work on rather than pay the bills. See how that works out. You ever watch a Shark Tank episode where they tell people that they have awful ideas but the people can’t admit it to themselves because they’ve already put themselves in debt? Yeah, those are the people who act impulsively and quit their jobs before they’re ready. You don’t want to be on the opposite end of a Mr. Wonderful “You’re dead to me.”

16. Sleep.
Sleep rejuvenates brain cells, heals the body, reduces anxiety. And your brain is only active 2-5 hours a day. Sweet dreams.

Wait, your brain is only active for 2-5 hours a day? I know I sleepwalked through most of my 20s but 2-5 hours a day is, like, nothing. That’s not even a mini-binge of The Crown which is a show that definitely makes me feel like my brain is working.

Besides, half the time I’m sleeping, my brain doesn’t even get REM cycles because I’m buzzed. Problem solve that for me.

17. Every day, avoid death.
You can’t get rich from a hospital bed. Or a grave. Move every day. Sleep well. Eat well.

Man, I’m glad I caught this one despite the fact that you put it towards the end. Tupac and Michael Jackson definitely stack a lot of paper dead, though. You can’t sleep on the supply/demand advantage that death creates.

18. Do one thing a day you loved as a kid.
This is usually the fuel that can power your life.

Yesterday I tweeted this.

So yeah, I guess I might actually be on the right track.

[via Thought Catalog]

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Will deFries (Twitter / Instagram) is a Senior Writer at Grandex and the world's foremost authority on Sunday Scaries (Twitter / Instagram). Email me at

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