The Chronicles Of Todd: Damage Control

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The Chronicles Of Todd: Damage Control

The following is a text transcript between Todd and his friend, John, in the wake of Todd receiving a damning text from his girlfriend after she found a photo of him with another girl from The Kentucky Derby.

Todd: Duuuuuuuuuuuude.

John: Suhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Todd: You need to stop doing that, dude.

John: Sorry, what’s up?

Todd: You got a second? I’m fucked.

John: Just up to my ears in work but sure, I’d love to hear what you’ve got for me this week.

Todd: Guess who your boy just got a text about.

John: I’m not guessing.

Todd: Claire.

John: Hahahahahahahahahahaha


John: Hahahahahaahahahaahahaahahahahaaaaa

Todd: Dude, I can’t escape this girl.

John: Is she still texting you?

Todd: Not in a while, but I just got the text, “So who’s this Claire girl you’re friends with?”

John: Oh man, you’re proper fucked now.

Todd: I know. I haven’t opened it yet so she doesn’t know I’ve read it yet.

John: Wait, doesn’t she already know who Claire is?

Todd: Uhhh yeah, bro, she does. Or I think she does, at least.

John: I thought you were in the clear after Halloween??

Todd: Yeah, I did too.

John: Ha, you’re fucked. I’m just going to keep telling you that to reiterate just how fucked you actually are.

Todd: Does Caroline know about those girls?

John: Yeah, like I’m going to just willingly tell her about our pseudo-weekend girlfriends we had at The Kentucky Derby, Todd. Take your head out.

Todd: I thought we were in the clear after Halloween when they both blacked out.

John: You just haddddd to drop the “Claire” bomb when you argued the next day.

Todd: Dude, nothing even fucking came of that. She was either still drunk or too hungover to care.

John: Okay? So why is it just coming up now?

Todd: I have no fucking idea.

John: Do you think they’ve talked?

Todd: How would she even know how to get in touch with her? Just randomly Google every Claire in the world and send them an email asking if they met a Todd at a Kentucky fucking Derby? Yeah, super logical.

John: Girls are weird, man, they can find anyone online.

Todd: But like, come on.

John: Wait, so you didn’t actually hook up with her at Derby, right?

Todd: No, dude, I’ve told you this like a thousand times.

John: Yeah, okay, sure, buddy. Wink wink, nudge nudge.

Todd: I. did. not. hook. up. with. her.

John: Of course you didn’t, man. I believe you.

Todd: Stop.

John: Got it. You didn’t hook up with Claire. You hooking up with Claire is a thing that never happened.

Todd: Dude.

John: You and Claire hooking up? Nahhhhh, neverrrrrr happppppppened.

Todd: I hate you.

*five-minute pause*

Todd: Okay, dude, I actually need your help here.

John: What the hell do you want me to do? Go tell Caroline about the girls we hung out with all weekend and out myself just because your girlfriend thinks you can’t keep it in your pants?

Todd: Band of Brothers, John. Watch it.

John: No one quotes Wedding Crashers anymore.

Todd: The sentiment still stands.

John: Just play dumb, dude.

Todd: Do I rehash Halloween?

John: Yeah, totally, go ahead and rehash the worst fight you’ve had in the past calendar year. That’ll totally work out.

Todd: Fuck.

John: Here’s what you do – respond with, “Yeah, you know about her” and pretend like they became besties or whatever at the Halloween party.

Todd: Okay, I honestly wouldn’t be surprised if she forgot that I said her name was Claire. She was HAMMERED. But she couldn’t have been drunk enough to just not remember talking to this girl.

John: Did you ever mention her name after?

Todd: No, dude, she went out with your fucking wife the next morning and we didn’t speak of it before I left for your bachelor party.

John: Fuck, what I’d give to tear that course up again.

Todd: Yeah, and while you’re over there dreaming about being the #SB2K16 guys, I’m sitting here with an unread text and an angry girlfriend.

John: Flowers. Buy flowers.

Todd: I’ll have to buy here a fucking Mercedes if she thinks I knocked the bottom of out Claire.

John: Hahahaha and even then she’d probably turn that down.

Todd: Fuck. Fuckkkkkkkkkkkkk.

John: Uh hey dumbass

Todd: What.

John: Scrolling Instagram right now and saw you liked that Lindsey girl’s photo.

Todd: Yeah, so?

John: Caroline showed me that people can see everything you like. You just fucked yourself.

Todd: Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. Aaaaaand she probably found Claire from Lindsey’s profile.

John: This is why I stopped following Emily Ratawhatever like five months ago. I got caught liking one of her photos and I didn’t get laid for a week.

Todd: So what the fuck do I do?

John: Well, you’re fucked either way, bro.

Todd: Fuck it. She has to have known I’ve seen her message by now. She knows I have like zero meetings today.

John: Let me know how it goes.

Todd: I will.

John: I swear to God, if you bring my name up and this comes back to me by way of Caroline, I’m going to gut you.

Todd: I’ll handle it.

*Todd opens her text*

Todd: Hey, sorry babe, was on a client call. What’s up?

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Will deFries (Twitter / Instagram) is a Senior Writer at Grandex and the world's foremost authority on Sunday Scaries (Twitter / Instagram). Email me at

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