I like to think of myself as a fairly mature, understanding person. I don’t go out of my way to be mean to people, and I don’t start shit with people unless they start shit with me. That being said, I do believe in the philosophy that sometimes you have to start a fight. Sometimes, words and bluster just don’t cut it, and you have to get physical. After reading Duda’s Fun Ways To Get Yourself Out Of A Fistfight, I decided to pen a response for everyone out there not mature enough to walk away.
First, I have to say I completely agree with the statement that “only douchebags get in fights after they turn 21,” but in response I say, sometimes you want to be a douchebag. Maybe you run into the guy your ex cheated on you with and he tries to rub it in your face. Maybe some asshole in a button down tries to elbow you out of the way to get to the bar. Maybe you’re trying to impress a girl, and you decide an assault charge following you around the rest of your life is worth getting laid. Sadly, there are girls that go home with the guy that starts the fight instead of the guy too mature for them.
Sure, they’re not quality girls and you’ll end up months later standing outside your burning apartment building, the light flickering off your four horrible tattoos she convinced you to get while she screams at you that “her cousin will fucking kill you for leaving her” as four cops try and cuff her, but those girls definitely exist. And you know she’s serious, but for those three months you were together, the sex was as amazing as it was terrifying, and despite the numerous bruises and burns you’ve had to explain to concerned friends, you can’t help but feel a bit of longing. You wonder if her three-years stint in jail will allow for conjugal visits and whether you should talk to a lawyer…shit, where was I? Oh yeah, here are some good ways to get into fights.
Wink at a dude’s girlfriend.
It’s cliché, but it’s cliché because it works. A wink is the perfect balance between flirty and disrespectful. If you full on hit on a guy’s girl, she’s going to shut you down, and he’ll have already won and will have no reason to fight you. If you do something like slap her ass, you’re a piece of shit and will get likely put in the gutter by the bouncers/everyone else with a moral code around you. A wink will elicit the perfect response because of the girl’s reaction. She doesn’t necessarily want or even like you, but a charming, confident wink will probably make her blush, or at least smile. And that’s going to drive the dude crazy. Even though a wink is harmless, in his eyes you’ve already fucked his girlfriend and he’s going to go psycho getting revenge. This is most effective against big, roided-out dudes, so hopefully you can fight or you enjoy getting your ass kicked.
Steal someone’s food.
What’s the number one thing that brings you pleasure when you’re ten drinks deep? If you said sex, you’re a liar, or you’re having better sex than I am. It’s food. It’s always been food. Greasy, deep friend, smothered in sauce, late night food. Just writing that sentence just gave me a boner. Imagine you’ve been drinking four the past five hours when you see the waitress weaving her way through the crowd, a plate of triple stacked nachos raised above her head. You know it’s coming for you, and you start salivating, already imagining the delicious taste of melted cheese in your mouth, when suddenly some douchebag snags one of your chips. Just puts his grubby, unwashed hands in your food and takes a bite while staring at you. I don’t care if you’re the Dalai Lama, you’re gonna have to fight that guy. I once saw a guy dive mouth-first into a platter of tater tots and as he raised his head, mouth full of fried deliciousness, the guy next to him socked him full in the face. Tots flew everywhere. It was beautiful.
Talk shit about someone’s team immediately following a loss.
Think about the last heartbreaking loss you went through due to sports. Maybe you got reverse swept in the playoffs, got crushed in a wildcard game, or blew a 28-3 lead in the Super Bowl. Now imagine that a minute after that loss, tears still staining your face, some shithead starts ruthlessly bagging on your team. Is it a fundamentally stupid reason to fight? Absolutely. You’re fighting someone for making fun of a team of people who don’t know you exist. Yet, this is going to start a fight 9/10, with the one non-fight being a result of someone who’s too drunk to even know his team lost yet. For maximum effect, be wearing the other team’s jersey and use the phrase “spanked like a little bitch.” Guaranteed results.
Just look at a bald guy the wrong way.
Bald-headed dudes are fucking nuts. That’s just a fact. Once you lose your hair at 31, you’ve got nothing left to lose. You could be asking him for a cig, letting him know his shoe is untied, or even just zoning out in his vicinity. No matter what, this guy is going to come at you strong and aggressive. Going bald means you have to change your whole game, and for you to even have a chance at getting laid you’ve got to go for the intimidating, hyper-masculine aesthetic. Gone are the days of getting girls with a wave of your hair or a sly smile. Bald guys have to be the baddest motherfucker in the yard, always. Plus, there’s so much anger just boiling from the fact that everyone’s rubbing their hairlines in his face all the time, this guy is just waiting to flip the switch.
Fighting is never the answer unless the question is, “Do I want to ruin my life and be an asshole today?” In which case, fuck it, try these out. .
Image via YouTube