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1. I’m too hungover.
And no, not because I’m shutting down the club with a bottle of Moet in my hand. It’s because everyone gets to that age where two IPAs and a plate of pasta will make them feel like shit in the morning.
2. Eggs are cheap.
What’s not cheap, though? Brunch. Somehow, putting an over-medium egg on top of a piece of bread with half an avo constitutes charging $13.95 plus tip. I can do that at my house five times over.
3. I can’t drink that early.
You know what drinking at 10:45 a.m. makes me want to do? Sleep. You know what sugary champagne mixed with acidic orange juice does to me? Heartburn. You know what’s more expensive than a bagel and lox board? To-and-from Ubers because I’m too drunk to drive before noon.
4. Lines, lines, lines.
I pretty much refuse to wait in line for anything at this point. Movies, rollercoasters, the Secretary of State’s office. I’d rather get a ticket for old license plate tags than wait in line for some goddamn leftover salmon shoved under my eggs benedict. Waiting 40 minutes for some hungover hostess to seat me is my personal hell.
5. Television is more entertaining than friendship.
Saturday morning? Liverpool’s playing Arsenal and guess who’s watchin’. Me. Sunday morning? CBS Sunday Morning. It’s like Xanax in television form. And once that’s over, time to rewind what I watched on Netflix the night prior when I passed out and didn’t press pause beforehand thus letting it play while I drooled in a melatonin-induced coma.
6. Hello, fellow millennials.
You reach a point in life when you can’t go to the same bar because the crowd stays the same age while you get older. Brunch is no different; it’s a post-grad rite of passage and you eventually outgrow that lifestyle. Once you’re old enough to have kids, you’re old enough to make your own breakfast.
7. There’s no way you worked out before coming here.
Wait, aren’t you the same girl who I saw schlepping your bag down the street this morning when I let my dog out at 6 a.m.? Yeah, that was you. Your makeup was running and it looked like you had just left a club that’s named with only one syllable. And now you’re here four hours later posting Instagram story boomerangs while wearing Lululemon as if you just did yoga, and a shirt that says “I woke up like this”? Please.
8. I’m fat.
One can only ingest so much hollandaise sauce and fried chicken on top of a stack of waffles before they need to start hitting the semi-annual sale at Nordies for some new slacks. There’s a reason Kanye says, “Wake up, all veggies, no eggs. I hit the gym, all chest no legs. Yep, then I made myself a smoothie.” Sure, it makes no sense that he hits chest and doesn’t eat any eggs for gains, but the diet still works.
9. It induces Sunday Scaries.
4:15 on a Sunday afternoon is bad enough, but once you start to feel your second hangover of the day, you really start to fall into quarter-life crisis mode. And then you realize you’re too old to still be calling it a “quarter-life crisis” because you’re skewing toward “mid-life crisis” territory.
10. I’m not cool anymore.
And maybe I never was. I don’t get why all these kids are wearing the clothes they’re wearing while I’m trying to figure out if joggers make me look chill or like a piece of sausage. These guys, they’re wearing scoopnecks and skinny jeans. And these girls, well, they’re also wearing scoopnecks and skinny jeans.
11. No one even invites me to go anymore.
Everyone’s schedule? Annoyingly busy. We’ve got Alex and Trip going to wedding showers out of town. We’ve got kids popping out left and right. We’ve got John and Caroline doing because Caroline clearly thinks John has let himself go. It’s not even a matter of being invited, it’s just a matter of everyone being too busy to get drunk in the morning.
12. If I’m going to be on my phone all morning, I’d rather do it in bed.
I mean, I’m not going to brunch to actually eat. I’m going so I can take some photos, toss some VSCO filters on ’em, and post it to my story so everything thinks I’m living a posh life. I’ve got enough of a backlog now that I can just use old photos to trick people into thinking I’m being social rather than drinking coffee while surfing Twitter.
All while CBS Sunday morning plays in the background to chill me out. Sundays, man. .