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Having just come back from a very expensive and liver-destroying bachelorette party in Miami, I learned a few things about my gender and our absurd “hen night” parties. First, male strip clubs are, in no way, the same as female strip clubs (more on that later, though). Eating a full pasta dinner then downing it with shitty mixers from the VIP table you paid a dumb amount of money for is a horrible idea. And if you get a group of five to twelve girls together and plastered, they’re bound to have some pretty interesting conversations.
And while girl code would probably prohibit me from sharing these sacred details, I’ve learned that codes of any sort are usually bullshit. Besides, what’s the point of having heart-to-hearts if you can’t blast them on the internet for your own personal gain, amiright?
How Pretty Each Other Is
It doesn’t matter if you’re dealing with an entire pack of uggos. It doesn’t matter if one girl has a lazy eye, another one has facial hair, and your bride is missing all of her limbs. When 4+ ladies who have never met each other are forced to share a room, they’re morally obligated to compliment the shit out of each other. If your girlfriend comes back from a weekend with the shitty personality of a 10 (while simultaneously having gained five pounds) just know it’s all thanks to the absurd amount of artificial compliments she was force-fed for three straight days. Remind her that she’s actually a 6, and I’m sure she’ll be back to normal in no time!
In a dream world, you think that your girl goes off to one of these weekends and does nothing but talk about how wonderful you are and how big your dick is. While that could happen after a vodka soda or two, after about the sixth one, the conversation starts to change. The bride goes through her entire roster, talking shit about the guy who cheated on her in high school and crying about the guy she never got over and would totally rather be marrying. Each and every other girl there will make it their mission to outshine each other and will spill everything horrible their exes ever did to them. So, don’t think the time you made your girlfriend buy her own Plan B and then dumped her the next day will go unnoticed. The bitch is still talking about it seven years later and yes, a whole bachelorette party will be scouring your social media and proclaiming that she’s “so much better” than you.
How Shitty Guys In General Are
It doesn’t matter if no guy has ever hurt them. It doesn’t even matter if the person they’re currently dating has the body of a Hemsworth and the personality of John Krasinski. When a gaggle of girls comes together and the shitty limo-provided Champagne is popped, you better believe that your name is getting fucking dragged. We’ll talk about how annoying the person we’re dating is. We’ll talk about how annoying the male gender in general is. And by the end of the night, we’ll all make out with each other under the ruse of “getting free drinks.” Kidding, kidding. Maybe.
Just A Whole Bunch Of Sex Stuff
Between the phallic-shaped straws, the going-out dresses that literally look like lingerie, and the fact that the whole point of the weekend is to shamelessly flirt with guys for free alcohol to prove that you still have the touch, the topic of sex comes up pretty constantly. From favorite positions to horror stories, no person or situation is safe. If you’ve ever done anything kinky with a girl, you can bet money that she’s going into great detail about it over an expensive carafe of mimosas. Fingers crossed that you actually know where the clitoris is because I can promise you, what happens in the bedroom (or back of the car, or handicapped bathroom stall) gets revealed in exaggerated detail at a bachelorette party.
If we cut the shit and overlook the whole “celebrating friendship” and “taking pictures in front of cute walls” thing, penises are the one central, underlying theme of the entire party. From everyone discussing the best (and worsts) dicks they’ve ever met, to blowjob tips, sex tips, things to do when you want just the tip, a bachelorette party is one giant penis parade and we’re all just marching in it. If that fact that a group of girls is going to discuss your penis in extreme detail makes you uncomfortable, then you probably don’t want to know what we had to say about the time you asked us to put a finger up your butt. Still, it’s not as bad as that lap dance you’ll get, right?
So, gents. If you ever wondered what your girl talks about when she’s drunk and hanging out with a bunch of bitches, just take comfort in knowing that it’s way, way worse than you could have imagined..
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