Getting upset if you poop before you get to work. PGP.

Another day, another dollar. Well after taxes and inflation, it’s more like 72 cents. PGP.

I’ve perfected the art of using a diagonal piece of bread as a hot dog bun. PGP.

Please don’t hold the elevator. I’d rather wait than say “good morning.” PGP.

My company not having its shit together is the only thing keeping me from being fired. PGP.

1: “Did you already eat lunch?” 2: “Yeah.” 1: “Do you want to go to Chili’s anyway?” 2: “Yeah.” PGP.

My New Year’s Resolution is to stop treating my body like a garbage disposal. PGP.

Should’ve stayed the fuck home. PGP.