Too poor for a girlfriend or a pet. Not busy at all. PGP.

I have literally zero control over how much I drink whenever I go out. PGP.

Being the guy who brought the dish no one eats at a work potluck. PGP.

The flash of panic you get when settling into your favorite stall only to realize your phone is still on your desk. PGP.

Looking for a friend with benefits. Vision is preferred, but dental is mandatory. PGP.

I lost the radio war in the office. Now, I hear “All About That Bass” at least five times a day. PGP.

Getting asked by every fucking friend and family member if you know Jake upon accepting a job with State Farm. PGP.

Giving the boss a little chin music at the company softball game. PGPM.