I’m Attending My First Wedding Ever And I Have Major Scaries

I'm Attending My First Wedding Ever And I Have Major Scaries

I’m going to a wedding on Saturday, and I’m apprehensive. Confession: I’ve never been to a “wedding.” Two years ago my cousin and his fiancée had an “Unwedding,” which sounds like a divorce but was actually just a wedding reception without the ceremony. I was totally cool with this, especially because the party was in the Real World Suite at the Hard Rock in Vegas, and it was insane. Give it a Google Image search, then imagine 75 good looking people in there getting shitfaced. It was a blast, but it felt more like an upscale party than it did an actual wedding, though I have to say, something like 85% of what I perceive a wedding to be is based off of Wedding Crashers.

I was so blacked-out at the Unwedding that I don’t remember this, but apparently, when the party goers dwindled to a few people and we all ended up in the hot tub, me and the bride bonded about my ex-girlfriend, and it hit me right in the feels. It was all the celebrating of love; my psyche couldn’t handle it. The bride didn’t like seeing me get all mushy and depressed, so she gave me more liquor and sent me off to the only place where you can forget about an ex: Crazy Horse III (I’ll spare you the Google search: it’s a strip club).

So now, with my other cousin getting married this weekend at an actual wedding, I just have this lingering feeling that I’m not emotionally ready to be at weddings. I have a sneaky suspicion that at this upcoming wedding one of two things might happen. Maybe both. Probably both. I’m going to get depressed about love, and I’m going to get absolutely smashed trying to forget that I’m walking the earth alone like the Incredible Hulk.

I’m worried it’s going to send me into some sort of emotional tailspin. I’ve been finding it hard to really hit it off with women lately, and the longer I go with failed dates and lack of connection, the more afraid I become of dying alone. I mean, if Bachelorette studs Luke and Jordan have to resort to a reality TV show for love, I midas whale just give up now, right? I’m worried that seeing the happy couple – and all their married friends – will just be a big celebratory reminder that I’ve been incredibly single recently, and I have no idea how to right the ship.

And it’s not that I’m going to be fueled by jealousy; it’s just one of those things where you know where you are and you know what your goal is, but you just have no idea what goes in the middle. Idea, fill in the blank, profit. It’s like when I look at my childhood home. I know I want one of those. I just have no idea how that’s going to happen unless I fall ass backwards into like $100K for a down payment. So my whole fear is that during this entire wedding I’m just going to be putzing around wondering how I’m going to meet someone as incredible as my cousin’s soon-to-be wife. My prediction for this thing? Do like I always seem to do when I have the feels. Drink. A lot.

Plus it’s a wedding. Like I said, I’ve never been to a conventional one, but I’m told that people drink at these things. There’s going to be a lit playlist (I can’t wait to lose my mind to “Shout”), an open bar, and ya boy is going to be looking one-hunit emoji in a fresh new suit (sans socks). So saying I’m going to be in the mood to party is an understatement. Add on the fact that I might want to forget about love for a while, and I think I’ve got a recipe for a serious hangover on Sunday morning while I try to mash yokers in softball. Here’s a little wrinkle: I don’t really have any friends at the wedding, outside of my brothers, and my cousins (groom and best man). I met a few of the dudes at the bachelor party, and they were great, but they still don’t really know me yet. With everyone there being older than me – and basically complete strangers – I don’t want them coming to their office on Monday telling everyone about the drunk village idiot I fear I may materialize into on Saturday night.

I tweeted at the Touching Base crew for help on this and got no reply (subtweet like the pros do it). I asked them what’s the best way to toe the line between being the life of the party, but not being the town drunk at a wedding scene. I’ve never been to one, so I have zero clue what the appropriate level of drunk idiot is. I blacked out at the “Unwedding” but that was Vegas. Am I just going to be the pace car? Bring the party to eleven and hope everyone follows suit? There is also a bar meet up the night before the wedding for all the guests. Do I lay the groundwork there, and get the party going then? Or play it reserved, and save the serious drinking at the actual wedding? I’m completely lost on this whole wedding etiquette. I’m a house of cards in a hurricane, a reckless ride in the pouring rain. Help your boy out; I could use some advice.

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Boston Max

Spending my retirement fund at Trader Joe's and trying to remember to check my mailbox semi-regularly

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