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She sat silently on a love seat on the patio of Caroline’s father’s villa in Cabo San Lucas unable to get the wifi password to work on her phone. She unknowingly still had her international plan activated, so she knew the rest of the girls were on their way from the airport. She had arrived on the earlier flight to ensure two things – she wanted to make sure everything was in place for Caroline’s arrival, and she wanted to ensure she got the second-best bedroom so she wouldn’t have to sleep on the couch. Upon hearing that Katie wouldn’t be able to arrive until late Friday night due to a work conference, she knew her opportunity to get the upper-hand as co-Maid of Honor was her ability to be flexible due to her funemployment status.
Immediately upon walking into the villa, the kitchen emerged as the most noticeable part of the house. She took this opportunity to cover the kitchen’s island with several one-piece swimsuits that read as follows: SQUAD, LIT, BACHELORETTE, VODKA SODA, SLAY, YAS, I WOKE UP LIKE THIS, and of course, BRIDE (for Caroline). Her personal one-piece read, “MAID OF HONOR” but she somehow forgot to get to get one for Katie.
She knew her best opportunity for an Instagram would be when all the girls put them on and took a timed photo next to the pool, but her biggest fear was that the rest of the group would want Katie to be there for it as well. She spent the ten minutes before the rest of the girls arrived to take Snapchats of every part of the house which was tastefully prepared for the ultimate bachelorette weekend.
A barrage of shrieks could be heard from afar while she began unloading the chilled rosé from the refrigerator – they were there.
When the door burst open, Caroline saw her and immediately said, “Como esta, bitches?” before running and engaging in a hug that involved cheek kisses and jumping. One by one, all the girls hugged her and complimented how great of a job she had done decorating the villa. “Let’s get this fiesta started,” she said after greeting everyone in the entrance.
Heading into the kitchen to pour customized “CAROLINE’S LAST STAND” glasses full of White Girl Rosé, she began reading the schedule for the entire weekend (that she had not consulted Katie on). She stood on a stool in the middle of the kitchen raising her glass to ensure everyone was listening to the announcement that included drinking by the pool for a majority of the day before going to The Office for dinner only to meet up with Katie back at the villa later that night after her flight arrived.
As the girls dispersed to their rooms to change into their one-pieces and The Chainsmokers played over the wireless Bose speakers littered throughout the house, she headed out to the pool and got onto a swan floatie that she had brought from home and blown up prior to everyone’s arrival. Hoping that someone would get a candid shot of her from the balcony overlooking the pool, she paddled until she was directly centered in the pool. Unsure whether or not the photo actually got taken after everyone had made their way poolside, she suggested that they create a Photostream to share all of their photos easily.
“This is, like, the best place for a bachelorette party,” Caroline’s high school friend Jill said before being asked to take a photo of the rest of the girls sitting on the edge of the infinity pool in their one-pieces. It was clear, at this point, that Jill was going to be left out of the conversations because half of the girls didn’t know who she was until Caroline included her on the initial email chain started by Katie.
As the afternoon wore on, it was clear that Alex was going to be “the drunk one” of the trip. Some of the girls speculated about her “diet” prior to arriving in Cabo, and they noted that her diet probably consisted of “eating celery” and “drinking nothing but lemon-water” in the weeks leading up to it. “Ugh, she looks ano,” Caroline whispered, “I’m so jealous that she’s skinnier than me, she looks so good.”
Worried that the girls were going to drink too much before their dinner reservation, it was evident that she needed to call the private chef they had hired for the weekend to come early and fix some appetizers.
“Pablo is going to be here in a minuto,” she assured everyone surrounding the pool. “Classic Pabs!”
His arrival was met with all the girls huddled around the island in the kitchen eating salted tortilla chips dipped in hot sauce that they had found in the refrigerator. “Closer” remained on repeat which meant Pablo (who spoke fluent English and grew up in Palo Alto) would have to yell over them to ask for some space in the kitchen so he could make appetizers. Despite being prepared to make more than just guacamole, the girls pleaded for him to make “just a grande bowl-o of guacamole” which they all pronounced with a soft “h” in the beginning rather than a hard “g.” Unfortunately, after he finished scooping out upwards of 25 avocados, the girls had already made their way to their rooms to get ready for dinner at The Office. He covered the bowl in saran wrap and put it in the refrigerator before sliding out the door without saying goodbye.
“The car’s here, bitches!” she screamed from the living room. Katie had arranged for a private car service to drive them for the weekend. This would consist of fitting a dozen girls into one Tahoe which didn’t seem to be an issue. What transpired after the announcement that the car had arrived was twenty minutes of deliberation over whether or not they should make roadies for the trip, and most of the girls trying to hurry Alex who had drunk-napped throughout most of the time everyone else had gotten ready.
When they arrived at The Office, a hostess would lead them to their table on the beach where they were seated near two other bachelorette parties and one bachelor party that consisted of a group of guys from Washington D.C. Half of the girls struggled to make it to the table without taking their heels off as they were walking in sand, but upon sitting down, they collectively gushed to Caroline about how beautiful the scene was around them.
By all means, the day had been a success and she knew it. Caroline appeared to be enjoying herself, Alex had somehow made her way out of bed, they were only 45 minutes late for their reservation, and the table of guys next to them appeared to be a group from Georgetown as evidenced by their embroidered golf polos.
Before the waiter could take their drink orders, she pulled him aside and asked him to bring a constant stream of margaritas but clarified that Alex’s should be made weaker than the others. Considering the size of their party, there was no possible way that he was going to do that, but he nodded his had approvingly and made his way towards the bar to put the order in.
“Before we get started,” Caroline said, “I just wanted to thank everyone for coming down here! I know it’s a hike, but so much planning as gone into this and it’s, like, a dream come true.” They collectively wooed loud enough for the entire restaurant (and group of D.C. guys) to turn their heads and notice them.
By all means, everything was going according to plan despite Katie’s late arrival. If anything it elevated her status as the better Maid of Honor, especially based on the compliments she had already gotten from everyone.
A man appeared at the table who they would eventually learn to know as “The Office Rambo.” He was selling tequila shots that they ended up taking with him while he wore a sombrero and whistles went off. Alex choked hers down while the collective group looked at one another with weary looks on their faces, well-knowing that she was going to, again, need to be cut off. Things were off to a very drunk (but generally appropriate) start until a cake was brought out and set in front of Caroline. Up until this point, anything inappropriate (namely penis straws) had been omitted from the party in an effort to make it “a little classier than Katie would’ve made it.”
The cake, though, consisted of two scoops of ice cream and a chocolate-covered banana sticking out from it. After forcing Caroline to take yet another shot, she was then instructed to give the banana a modified blow job that would lead to her cheeks blushing red with embarrassment, and the group of D.C. guys elbowing one another. At this point, Victoria and Megan had already talked to two of the guys and put their numbers in their phones under “Trevor” and “Trevor’s Short Friend.”
But as dinner wound down, it was clear that making their way back to the villa sooner than later was going to be essential. Katie’s flight was due to get in and she wanted to ensure that everyone was at the house appearing to have the time of their lives upon Katie’s arrival. She put the entire dinner on her American Express with the intention of sending Venmo receipts for everyone the following week. Piling again into the Tahoe, they made their way back to the villa while “Lush Life” played from the car’s stereo at Caroline’s request.
“Alright, bitches,” she screamed from the front seat, “When we get back in, we’re doing a round of shots and playing ‘Never Have I Ever.'”
They emerged from the car with their shoes in-hand and approached the door. Positive that she had turned all the lights at the villa off prior to dinner, she squinted while looking towards the door where everything was illuminated with Christmas lights and a banner that read “CAROLINE’S LAST STAND.” Unsure of how the decorations had found their way there, she opened the front door with a pit in her stomach realizing what was happening.
Upon entering, there stood Katie with a magnum bottle of Veuve Clicquot in her hands. Checking her phone, she thought Katie wasn’t due to arrive for another two hours but soon realized that she had gotten an earlier flight in without telling anyone. Behind Katie sat a nude male blow-up doll with full frontal features, thus ending the attempts at a “classy” affair.
“Surprise, bitches!” Katie screamed. “It’s time to get our bachelorette on!” .