Meeting the parents is my expertise. I know most people hate it or get nervous about it, but that’s the kind of first impressions I live for. Especially meeting the dad. Something about looking a man in the eye, knowing full well that he knows that you’re banging his daughter, and giving him a firm handshake just gets my adrenaline going. I thrive in high-stress situations and it doesn’t get higher stress than that in the dating game.
That being said, I sure as shit wasn’t going to be a 100 percent honest when meeting my girlfriend’s father last weekend. Much like a job interview, albeit one that directly correlates to your sex life, you have to find the middle ground between “brutal honesty,” and “complete fabrication.” I may have danced on that line a few times, but here are my answers to some of his toughest questions.
1. So what field of work are you in?
The truth: During the week I drive a shitty delivery van for just over minimum wage, and on the weekends I work behind the bar to help streamline people’s blackouts for much less than minimum wage. I’m still several months out from being able to apply to my desired field, and Sallie Mae has me by the balls to the tune of several tens of thousands of dollars.
The lie: I’m actually just finishing up a postgrad program that will give me a huge leg up on my future career in advertising. It’s not a Masters degree per se, but it is a competitive and fascinating program. I’m working several jobs to put myself through school at the moment, and hope to be fully immersed in my career shortly.
2. How long have you two been dating?
The truth: Dating is such a fluid term nowadays. We first met like six months ago and it took me three dates to get it in, so do with that what you will. I officially asked her to be my girlfriend maybe three months ago, but that doesn’t sound as serious as it is, so we usually stick with six months as our answer.
The lie: We’ve been together about six months now and it’s been great! Your daughter is an amazing person and I know how lucky I am to have met her.
3. How did you meet again?
The truth: I was mindlessly swiping on a dating app whilst taking a shit at work when I matched with her. I did not read any of the information about her and matched with her solely due to my desire to see her naked. We first met at a shitty bar of my choosing, and ended up making pancakes together in my kitchen at 4 a.m., which is an adorable story I can’t tell you because then you’d know your little princess spent the night on the first date.
The lie: We actually met via one of the dating apps. I know, it’s crazy that everyone is doing it nowadays, but I guess it works. Our first date was a late night dinner and drinks, and after a few weeks of dating, we started to get more serious.
4. Do you think you’ll stay in Chicago for long, or are you planning on settling down elsewhere?
The truth: I just moved here, so I’m planning on sticking around for the next several years, barring a great job somewhere else. I wouldn’t mind moving back to California later in life to settle down and start a family, but the fact that it is across the country from your family has been a source of contention in our relationship, so I’m not about to bring it up at dinner. I know you’re secretly asking if I would ever move to your tiny town in rural Pennsylvania, and I want you to know I would rather kill myself.
The lie: Chicago is a great city for my field, and at this point in my career, I would want to stay there to climb the corporate ladder. I am open to moving elsewhere at a later point in life, though, and would like to settle down somewhere outside of the city. It’s still a ways off, so I haven’t thought about it too much.
5. Was it a problem between you two when our Penguins beat the Sharks in the Stanley Cup Finals?
The truth: It almost ended our relationship on the spot. It was only due to your daughter’s efforts to not rub it in or even talk about it to me that we are still together. Two weeks after the loss, she brought up the fact that I had yet to look her in the eyes, and I told her I didn’t know if I ever could again. She once tried to wear a Sidney Crosby shirt to bed and I made her change. Speaking of that little bitch, if I had the opportunity to trade my relationship with your daughter for a chance to punch him in the face, I would take it without hesitation.
The lie: Hahaha, I was pretty steamed at the time but I got over it, of course.
6. Are you excited to see if she’ll catch the bouquet at her sister’s wedding this winter?
The truth: I’ve had an explicit sit down talk with your daughter that she is to be nowhere near the bouquet when it is thrown. At that point in the night, I will likely be five gin-and-tonics deep and will not be able to count on my filter to work when other guests start telling us “you’re next.” I may even channel my inner Dikembe Mutombo and swat that flower clump to the ground if it looks like she’s going to catch it. I’m sorry in advance, and I’m equally sorry that I hope it gets captured on camera.
The lie: I’m very excited for the wedding! I’m sure it’ll be a beautiful affair, and I can’t wait to meet the rest of the family and put faces to the people she’s been talking about all this time. Speaking of the wedding, Brittany, are you guys planning on a band or DJ for the reception? .
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