Dangerous Animal Of The Week: Komodo Dragon

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Every Thursday, we take a look at one of the most dangerous animals in the world. Avoid these gnarly creatures, and stay safe out there in the wild.

Found on only five islands, the Komodo dragon is very rare. You probably learned a little about these freaks when you were a child, and, because you were young and stupid, thought they were pretty cool. Well, I’m here to tell you there is nothing “cool” about being eaten alive, which is exactly what will happen to you if you tangle with these slippery savages. They somehow survived when the dinosaurs were wiped off the face of the earth, and now they’re passing themselves off as nothing more than giant lizards. In reality, they are ancient killing machines that will hunt you down and eat you fucking whole.

What is so scary about a damn Komodo dragon?

I could let that picture speak for itself, but I won’t. As the largest living lizards in the world, Komodo dragons can reach 10 feet in length and weigh more than 300 pounds. Their size wouldn’t be so intimidating if they stuck to eating leaves or bugs like regular lizards, but these giant dragons are blood-thirsty carnivores. They’re not picky, either. Deer, pigs, water buffalo, even other Komodo dragons — they’ll eat all that shit. They’re disgusting cannibals. They also have no regard for human life and eat people. Bad news for people, in my professional opinion.

Since 1974, there have been four documented instances of Komodo dragons ruthlessly murdering human beings, the most recent of which was in 2009, when two of these lizard monsters mauled some poor son of a bitch to death after he fell out of a fruit tree. Talk about humiliation. Not only are you the clumsy doofus that fell out of a fruit tree, you’re a lizard murder statistic forever.

Komodos are shameless gluttons and can eat up to 80 percent of their body weight in one sitting. (Order enough pepperoni pizza and I can do the same, but this isn’t about me.) They have been known to raid graves, dig up bodies, and eat the remains. (I would never reduce myself to being a grave robber.) Their teeth are a lot like a shark’s, which they use to shred their prey. If said prey manages to get away, it will probably die of blood poisoning because the Komodo has killer saliva containing 50 strains of bacteria. Total lack of dental hygiene. Sad! Super smart scientists have also discovered that these lizard gods have complex venom glands, producing a venom that consists of over 600 toxins, and I’m told that is a lot. These toxins prevent wounds from healing, causing those that have suffered Komodo bites to bleed to death, which is lovely.

As you can see, the Komodo is one of nature’s most skilled swallowers. It can wolf down massive quantities of meat like nobody’s business due to the crazy strong muscles in its jaws and throat, including a hinge which allows its lower jaw to open at an insanely wide angle. If threatened by an attacker, Komodos can throw up the contents of their stomachs to lessen their weight in order to flee faster, and these bulimic buttheads can run at speeds up to 13 miles per hour. So yes, they are like slutty teenagers in more ways than one.

Female Komodo dragons don’t even need to get freaky to reproduce. They can have virgin births just like Jesus’ mom. Sadly, they are absolutely terrible parents. There is no evidence that Komodos care for their babies at all. As soon as they hatch, newborns are often forced to bail and climb trees to avoid being fresh food for their own mothers or other Komodos. Sometimes they even roll around in poo poo in an effort to be a less appealing meal for larger dragons.

Those that do survive can roam the earth striking fear into the hearts of other living beings for over 30 years. A respectable reign of terror.

What should I do if I encounter a Komodo dragon?

Shit your pants immediately and hope the smell of your feces is strong enough to gross out the flesh-eating beast. If it still looks at you with hunger in its eyes, go ahead and piss yourself too for good measure. Now run faster than 13 miles per hour and avoid being bitten at all costs..

[Facts via The Internet]

Check out last week’s dangerous animal, the deathstalker scorpion

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Ross Bolen

Ross Bolen is a New York Times Bestselling author, co-host of the Oysters, Clams & Cockles: Game of Thrones podcast, co-host of the Back Door Cover sports podcast, 2017 Masters attendee, bigger and more loyal Rockets, Astros and Texans fan than you, cheese enchilada aficionado, and nap god.

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