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“When are y’all gonna have kids?”
The age old question. Now that I’ve been with someone for an extended period of time, this question pops up more often than I’d like. Although usually harmless, it falls under the pretense that I actually want kids.
This time, it was asked by the owner of the friendly neighborhood restaurant I go to 2-6 times a month. He has become a good friend, mostly because I’ve never put anything on “my tab” like many of the other miscreants that frequent his business and pay in full every visit. He’s in an on again, off again divorce, and someone recently stole his Prius and drove it to Columbus, Ohio. He also has two kids of his own that the Mrs. and I have watched while he cooked others food.
“I don’t think we’re going to have kids, Matt.”
“Good because it makes it a lot fucking easier to not hate each other.”
Since we’ve become close, Matt has talked pretty openly about his troubles. I feel for the guy; he’s trying to run his small business, which makes delicious food, provide for his family and make it through the day. Some days he’s cool, calm and collected, and other days he’s an inch from mental destitution. The common denominator? Having kids.
I don’t mind answering questions. I’ll answer just about anything fully and with the truth if I’m asked. Transparency is a valued trait, but when people start with “So, when are you guys thinking about kids?” it is hard not to go full agro mode and shut it down quickly. I used to give the half-truth, “I can barely take care of myself, let alone a living, breathing person,” but people are always quick to point out, “Oh, you’ll be fine. You’ll learn.” I then get grilled like I’m standing trial for murder, so answering, “Because I hate children” (which is a full-truth) is my new go-to.
If it isn’t acquaintances and friends, it is family. Mrs. Madoff’s mom is always giving us the full court press. I’m not sure why. I would never trust a living, breathing human in her care, especially since she can’t even remember to water her tomatoes. When we got engaged, her entire family barely acknowledged it, yet when her unwed ex-janitor half-sister cranked out her second drain on the economy, you’d have thought she birthed Jesus Christ.
When you tell people, “I am never having kids”, you usually get the “you’ll change your mind” or “I thought that too when I was your age.” When I wrote about not being ready for kids two years ago, it was dismissed due to our young relationship. After being together for over four years, people are starting to pry more. Some people are astounded that someone doesn’t want a rug rat of their very own. I am lucky my own mother hasn’t bugged me at all, but my grandmothers have asked, which leads to awkward conversation.
In the end, I don’t really care, I just wish that people stopped putting so much emphasis on having kids. People treat those that don’t want kids like there is something wrong with them, and like everyone should want a kid of their very own. Even if I wanted one, the constant questions regarding the hypothetical little bastard(s) are unneeded. It is like small talk; why bother? I’ve made sure to let people know that the minute I change my mind, they’ll be the first to know, even though they’re going to be waiting quite some time because Mirena is good for five years, and by that time, I’ll be old enough for a good old fashioned vasectomy..
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Madoff
I specialize in damage control, being the drunkest at any and all functions and social assassination. Always appreciate a strong gif game. Follow me on Twitter. Sometimes I put up cool stuff about golfing at the local dirt tracks.
@BLMInvestment
I tell people that we can’t because I have bad swimmers. When we eventually do it will be a “miracle” and who doesn’t love miracles.
That’s… not the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard.
After you tell them you can’t have kids they never bring up kids around you again. It’s great.
I’m in too deep now but I wish I knew about this earlier.
Fellow bad swimmer guy here.
Prob should find a girl interesting in procreating down the line, but I will keep this excuse in mind, as taking care of a human child sounds terrible rn.
Telling people “We can’t” is the perfect solution. People who ask that get so uncomfortable and the blame isn’t placed on either of you.
“cranked out her second drain on the economy” is the best thing I’ve heard today………
Gotta love the failure prone relatives. Makes me feel better about my life
I don’t understand why people can’t be respectful and understanding that not everyone wants kids. Just like not everyone wants to get married. Not everyone goes to college. People so narrowly define what success is and it’s just obnoxious. Nobody’s life goes perfectly or the way you plan and the people who have a great attitude and just roll with the punches are people I respect so much more than those who can’t adjust to change and try to force things that just shouldn’t be. I have no idea if I do or don’t want kids but at this point, pushing a human being through a tiny hole in my body is as undesirable as anything.
Bill Burr has a great bit about this in his stand up special from 2010
And now he’s married with a kid. haha
Exactly, it’s really no one else’s business. Plus, there are couples who do want kids but are having trouble conceiving. Better off to just not ask.
“Because only poor people can afford to have kids” has been my go to response when people ask
I never understand why people ask me this. I’m 25 and single. If I’m having a kid it’s because I fucked up and now my life is over.
Whenever my fiancé, or anyone, mentions kids I tell them about the time I was babysitting my cousins and they both got the shits so bad my only solution was to hose them down and then 30 minutes later one of them projective vomited chocolate milk all over my face. I’ll stick with dogs for now.
Audibly laughed at that
You have dogs. Why would you need kids?
I just had the guys in the wearhouse house tell me it was about time I had a accident baby… I don’t really know how to process that information.
I’m a dude by the way
Same
It blows my mind how some people are so pushy about other people having kids. Oh, you’re in your late twenties and married? When are you going to start adding to our planet’s exploding population problem?
Veal taste good. Lamb taste good. Do y’all think, maybe… nevermind.