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Dangerous Animal Of The Week: Deathstalker Scorpion

This is a recurring PGP series. Catch up with all installments of Dangerous Animal Of The Week by visiting the archive.

deathstalker

Every Thursday, we take a look at one of the most dangerous animals in the world. Avoid these gnarly creatures, and stay safe out there in the wild.

Prepare yourself, because the deathstalker scorpion, otherwise known as the Palestine yellow scorpion, Israeli desert scorpion, or Leiurus quinquestriatus, will haunt your nightmares henceforth. I don’t have a lot of personal experience with scorpions. I’ve only seen one real life scorpion in person with my own eyes. This only serves to make them all the more terrifying. You always fear what you don’t understand. That’s why Bruce Wayne has to become a criminal himself in order to truly understand them in Batman Begins. It’s also why racism exists.

Today, we’re going to educate ourselves in an attempt to better understand deathstalker scorpions and hopefully eradicate some of the fear they inspire. Tomorrow, we can work on racism.

Below is a real (fake) deathstalker scorpion in (a terrible Hollywood) action (movie).

What is so scary about a damn deathstalker scorpion?

What a stupid question. It is a stalker of death. It stalks you and then you die. Found mainly in North Africa and the Middle East, the deathstalker is one of the most dangerous and deadly scorpions in the world. They range in length from one to three inches, and are extremely aggressive, like that dude at the bar who’s hung like an elf and won’t take a hint.

If you fuck with their habitat in any way, they will attack you. They also deliver one of the most painful stings of any animal on the planet. Their venom is made up of neurotoxins and cardiotoxins, causing cardiovascular and respiratory dysfunction, convulsions, and even paralysis. Sounds like a party. The elderly, sickly, and very young are particularly susceptible to dying via deathstalker (which seems like a stupid thing to have to point out because the elderly, sickly, and very young are particularly susceptible to dying via anything, but it was mentioned in every article about deathstalker scorpions, so here we are.)

Because of their elastic or plastic-like appearance, one of these little sons of bitches could easily be mistaken for a toy. The lesson here is never pick up a toy or allow your offspring to play with toys. Toys are dangerous and could be deathstalkers. Avoid toys at all costs.

Below is a clip from a science documentary of a deathstalker scorpion murdering a friendly baby ant in cold blood.

What should I do if I encounter a deathstalker scorpion?

Proceed with caution. Do not approach the suspect. They are to be considered armed and extremely dangerous. Back away slowly and put as much space between you and the deathstalker as possible. Do not anger it with the use of arachnid slurs. If you are stung, seek medical attention immediately to avoid dying an extremely painful and horrifying death.

Check out last week’s dangerous animal, dolphins

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[Facts and research via Internet]

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Ross Bolen

Ross Bolen is a New York Times Bestselling author, co-host of the Oysters, Clams & Cockles: Game of Thrones podcast, co-host of the Back Door Cover sports podcast, 2017 Masters attendee, bigger and more loyal Rockets, Astros and Texans fan than you, cheese enchilada aficionado, and nap god.

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