Courses I Wish My University Would Have Offered


“Blow off” classes are a right of passage for every undergraduate student. I didn’t achieve my victory lap by sticking to my counselor’s suggestions, chumps. Then again, I utilize about 5% of the knowledge attained in college classrooms in my current career, so the real courses weren’t too important either. Below are a few classes that I wish my university would have offered, because they may have actually served a purpose in my current postgrad hell, I mean life.

Principles Of Interacting With Older Coworkers

They’re out of shape, not funny and thoroughly depressing. The older coworker is a staple in every office. Now, I’m not talking about the older coworker who is in a position of power. That demographic would fall under the syllabus of “The Techniques of Kissing Ass.” This older coworker is basically your equal, which somehow makes things worse.

This lecture style class would focus on not using words and phrases including, but not limited to: “blackout,” “taming strange,” “Molly” and “I wonder if Jessica from reception is DTF?” This course would more than likely fall under a Theatre major due to its heavy emphasis on acting. Lessons would also consist of: not wincing at their hideous offspring, feigning laughter at jokes that haven’t been funny since 1974, and consistently already having plans when they ask you to lunch.

Prerequisites include: Intermediate Knowledge of Disco, and Forty Somethings In Contemporary Society

The Art Of Not Over-Serving Yourself At Company Sponsored Happy Hours

Lengthy title aside, this one would have been crucial. We’ve all been there: your funds are running low until that next direct deposit when suddenly a night of free booze and food appears like a mirage in the desert. Upon arrival, you consume every morsel of food you can get your grubby paws on, finally satiating the hunger that has been building upon months of eating mac and cheese and diced up hot dogs. With Terminator-like precision, you set your sights on the bar, and more importantly, the top shelf. After knocking back a few Johnnie Walker Gold Labels, you’re rubbing elbows with a director and making googly eyes at Jessica from reception. After tossing back a few more, you’ve thrown up in Jessica’s hair and have a 9am meeting with HR the next day.

The bulk of this coursework would focus on reminding your dumbass that soon, you will not be in college. While killing a fifth of any liquor will currently produce only mild effects, your tolerance after graduation will decrease exponentially and you will constantly struggle to remember that fact.

Prerequisites include: Concepts of the Postgrad Metabolism

The Theories Of Looking Busy

At any given moment in a work day, you may feel the plump hand of a wheezing manager being uncomfortably placed on your shoulder. This awkward and considerably creepy gesture is immediately followed by the all too familiar question, “What are you up to?” My mother always says that honesty is the best policy. However, when this question arises, answering it with the terrible things you were just imagining doing to Jessica from reception will not help your career.

The majority of content from this class will be pulled from the highly respected George Costanza School of Looking Busy. Appearing annoyed is a pivotal part to seeming engaged in your work throughout the day. However, it will not stop there. This course will eventually dive into the “Being Downright Pissed Off” theory of pseudo work productivity.

Prerequisites include: Introduction to Resume Padding and Methods of Bullshitting an Interview

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Working in Chicago's Loop, living on the Northside and doing a piss poor impression of an adult.

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