Image via Caitlin Coving
Happy fall, ladies! You’ve been instagramming photos of the beautiful, autumn leaves using the Nashville filter to really make your backyard trees look artificial. Natural beauty is so in these days. After months of dressing in tank tops and short shorts, you’re welcoming the transition into fall clothing with open, three-quarter-sleeved flannel arms. In order to ease that switchover to skin-covering fashion goodness, I have perused Pinterest to make you a SparkNotes version of how to dress properly for this coming winter. You’re welcome, white girls of America. Or, if you don’t need a guide for dressing yourself because you’re an adult, here’s an accurate prediction of how you got dressed this morning.
1. Start off with brown boots by any brand except Ugg (duh). Completely stay away from the fuggs (double duh).
Brown boots are a fall staple, because they’re comfortable and they make it look like you’re into nature and horseback riding and stuff. Sure, there are, like, 10,000 brands to chose from, but honestly no one can tell the difference between them. To the left, we have Target brand brown boots for $35, while to the right, we have Frye brand brown boots (Did I just create a new white girl tongue twister?) for $370. The only way someone is going to know the difference between these two pairs of shoes is if you are the kind of person who brand drops. At the end of the day, wherever you decide to buy your brown boots, your significant other will still forget to realize that you are even wearing shoes.
2. Add black leggings.
Go out and buy every pair of leggings that don’t show your ass crack when you bend over. Get a pair of charcoal gray ones. Get a pair of neon pink ones. Get a pair of those trendy tribal leggings that everyone has but never wears because the triangles and lines stretch out and accentuate your saddlebags. Now, throw those weird ones into the black hole that is your closet and rotate through the three pairs of black ones you bought for the rest of the cold months. Proceed to end up spending hundreds of dollars on cheap leggings that continue to sag after one wash.
3. Add those little knitted boot sock toppers from that one episode of “Shark Tank.”
Nobody really knows what they do, but if Mark Cuban can invest in their crocheted goodness, so can we.
4. Find sweater large enough to fit both your body and the body of a Beluga whale.
You want it to be large enough that it falls right below those child-bearing hips of yours, tricking people into thinking you’re not just hiding that precious layer of pumpkin spice. That said, this magical sweater allows you to treat each day like it’s Halloween and snack the heck up. The slouchier, the better. May I suggest Goodwill’s men’s department? The less shape you need to show, the more weight you will feel comfortable inevitably gaining.
5. Throw on a scarf for even more coverage, because your XXXXL sweater isn’t enough.
At this point, you want to be able to surprise people in the springtime that you were actually pregnant this entire time. The scarf adds yet another layer of belly hiding magic, allowing your body to hibernate like it’s a fucking bear. I really like this look because I can hide not only one, but TWO Chipotle burritos in the tangles of knitted cotton when I sneak into movie theaters alone to get away from the brisk weather and beautiful outdoor scenery..