Football Penalties, For Sex

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Great football players are the athletes who are committed, focused, and willing to train harder that their competition. Similarly, people who excel in the bedroom are those who are committed to boning through a calf cramp, focused on engaging in rigorous sexual marathons, and willing to get harder (and get fucked harder) than their competition. But sometimes, things can go south and mistakes get made–and just like on the field, in the bedroom, a flag needs to be thrown. Let’s break it down.

Lights come on during last call at the bar and you manage to snag the only six in the place to head back to your bedroom, AKA the Superdome, for a night of penetration. Just as you’re getting down to business, your blacked out roommate barges in and starts taking a piss in your closet. He kills the mood and cockblocks you into oblivion: pass interference.

We all want to be adventurous in the sack, but when you flip her upside down, hang her off the edge of the bed and wrap your leg around her leg like a boa constrictor, it’s going to be uncomfortable for all parties involved. Flag thrown for a position that isn’t pleasurable for either party involved: illegal formation.

There’s a very distinct difference between making love and having sex. Making love is when two people who care so deeply about each other want to show their emotions in a physical manner. Having sex, or fucking, is the animalistic instinct we desire due to hormones, lust, and too many drinks. Making love should be gentle and passionate. Things like choking and biting should be reserved strictly for fucking. So, if you’re making love and you suddenly slap your partner across the face in the heat of the moment: unnecessary roughness.

If you’re back in your college town for homecoming and you go to one of those shady 18-and-over bars that’s been busted for letting in underage townies, you better double and triple check her ID before taking her back to your budget motel for the night–otherwise: illegal touching (literally).

Dear men: it’s no secret that you know the difference between the V-hole and the B-hole, yet you PRETEND to get them mixed up during intercourse. When you try to play the “Oops, sorry, I didn’t know that was your asshole” line on us, we’re going to call you the fuck out: illegal shift.

You just had the BEST sex of your life–what now? You text ALL your friends about it, detailing every thrust and every sloppy, tongue-punching kiss. Don’t forget to tweet about how you are a god among mere mortals for all the amazing sex you just had: #ExcessiveCelebration

You’re about to finish:
“I’m close.”
“Pull out.”
“I said pull out!”
“Agh! Okay, can I do it on your face? HNNNNNG!”
“What?! Are you kidding m–”
*pulls out and does it on her face anyway*: face mask. Fifteen-yard penalty. Pay for my cab, please.

Other penalties include:

Fumble: failing to put the condom on in a timely manner.
False start: premature ejaculation.
Illegal substitution: pulling a “Houdini.”
Intentional grounding: making it look like you tried to pull out, even though you didn’t.
Personal foul: answering a phone call mid-bone.
Roughing the kicker: teething him during oral.
Unsportsmanlike conduct: falling asleep during sex.
Taunting: referring to yourself as “daddy” or “mommy” during intercourse.
Encroachment: telling a one-night stand you love him or her.
Offside: slipping a digit in his or her backside without permission.
Delay of game: whiskey dick.

Failure to play by the rules can result in your sex life being benched for the season.

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