50 Texts You’ll Send Friday Night

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My phone needs a breathalyzer lock. Seriously. By the end of the UGA-Mizzou game, I was absolutely hammered. Not depressing bender hammered–celebratory hammered. Things started getting a little fuzzy around the fourth quarter of the Alabama-Arkansas game, and I woke up the next morning with quite an outbox. Whoops.

I know for a fact I’m not the only one who has a major drunk texting problem. I’ve dated before, folks, but given my vast experience in this area, I can give a good guess as to what your outbox will look like as the night goes on. Each section is separate, and the texts progress as the night goes on. Here are the 50 texts you’ll send Friday night.

To Your Friends:

1. “What are you doing tonight?”

2. “I’m not sure yet.”

3. “I’ll meet you there.”

4. “Where are you?”

5. “Cool I’ll have a beer ready for you.”

6. “Whered you go i bought us anothr pitcher”

7. “im outside areyou still inside”

8. “srry i bailed im out”

9. “just got molestd by som soft 6”

10. “fgh hjkhj uoguyr”

To Your Casual Flings:

11. “What are you getting into tonight?”

12. “Cool”

13. “I’m going out with some friends.”

14. “K”

15. “Hey come out”

16. “that sucks”

17. “boooooo”

18. “Come hav a drink”

19. “im drunk”

20. “k.”

21. “u still up?”

22. “comeover”

To Your Ex:

23. “Going out with some friends.”

24. “hey.”

25. “i miss you”

26. “where r you”

27. “night!”

To Tinder Matches:

28. “Hey.”

29. “Hey” (Still relatively sober)

30. “hey”

31. “hi”

32. “yo”

33. “are you downtwn?”

34. “you should come…out”

35. “youre the best thing to come out of gainesville since i75 haha” (or some other lame joke)

36. “i hope thats not ur kid”

37. “cum get drunk”

38. “…”

39. “hahaha”

40. “haha”

41. “ha k”

42. “buttstuff?”

43. “watever”

To The Guy Or Girl You Met Last Weekend:

44. “Hey, are you going out tonight?”

45. “Yeah, my friends and I are going out tonight”

46. “We’re at five paces”

47. “That sucks”

48. “I cant leave my friends why dont yall come down here”

49. “maybe some other time”

50. “whatcha doin”

May you be blessed with favorable replies and minimal backlash. Good luck–we’re all counting on you.

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"Technically, Pablo Escobar was in sales."

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