Today I had to use a sick day for another job interview. My boss called my doctor. PGP.

Going to visit your parents on their anniversary like a good son…with two hampers full of laundry. PGP.

Don’t even know why I own sunglasses. The only time I escape the four walls of this hell hole is when it’s dark. PGP.

My boss is rubbing it in over beating me in fantasy football and there’s nothing I can do about it. PGP.

Started this month with a broken down car and declined credit card. Happy October. PGP.

I’m 100% positive the guy begging for change by my office has a higher net worth than me. PGP.

I’m asking for a briefcase for Christmas. PGP.

1/4-zip fleece game on point. PGP.

I just bought my first new car. It’s so small I feel like if a criminal hid in my backseat, he’d ask me to move my seat forward when I got in my car. PGP.

Can’t wait for November so I can stop shaving and not feel guilty about it. PGP.

Is it bad that the main reason I want to date him is his house is five minutes from my office? PGP.

Sunday: Packs gym bag to workout. Friday: Takes unpacked gym bag back home. PGP.

It’s 4:52 A.M. on a Monday. My boss wants me to go into his office so we can review meetings for next week. PGP.

Someone in HR overheard me telling the interns an embellished sex story from college. Strike one. PGP.

There are two types of people in my office: people with hobbies and people with kids. I have neither. PGP.

The pants that came with my suit had to be let out in the waist…and ass. PGP.

Seriously, fuck Steve. PGP.

I need to lose weight because I got fat. I can’t afford to lose weight because my suits won’t fit. PGP

1: “How’d you meet your wife?” 2: “Tinder.” PGP.

I only check my 401k to remind myself that I actually have assets somewhere in this world. PGP.