My Post-Wedding Disaster Press Conference

My Post-Wedding Disaster Press Conference

CrashDavis: Alright, I’ll start this off by saying that I just had an off day. Sometimes you just don’t have your A-game and it really shows. Just have to work hard and be better next time out. Okay, I’ll take questions now.

Reporter: Crash, what the hell happened? You’re supposed to be a seasoned vet, yet really performed like a rookie out there?

CrashDavis: Good question. Well, I can’t really say anything other than I’ve been out of the game for a while, and that rustiness really showed. When you haven’t been properly putting in the work to maintain proper drinking shape needed for a wedding, and yet you start passing around Fireball five hours before the ceremony, you’re going to see get bad results.

Reporter: Did you have any indications that your performance would be as bad as it was?

CrashDavis: Well, early on I could sense that I may be a bit off when I nearly fell over while standing to watch the bride and groom take their first walk as a married couple. What really paved the way for the rest of the night was my response to nearly falling, as I wobbly walked to the freshly opened bar and started double fisting.

Reporter: You seemed to recover from your early mishap and really made a good showing early on; can you talk about what initially staved off your eventual disaster of a night?

CrashDavis: Yeah, the meal made a big difference in the early going. The chicken really soaked up some of the heavy onslaught of Fireball and Miller Lite I had been throwing at my body. Again, I’ve been out of the game for quite a bit, so my body really wasn’t as ready as it was in my college-era prime to indulge in as much binge drinking/lack of eating as I had previously been accustomed to. I did some quality socializing, only slurred a few words, even played with some little kids. I felt then that I was primed for a good night.

Reporter: But it turns out you weren’t. Can you talk about where everything started going south?

CrashDavis: Well, to be truthful, I can’t remember a single speech so there’s your first clue that my performance was rapidly suffering. I think the night really started to take a turn when I was wearing multiple glow stick necklaces and sweating bullets while putting on a really terrible “white person” dance performance. At that point, the fact that I was still standing was a small miracle but my morale was still riding high.

Reporter: But you continued drinking?

CrashDavis: Momma didn’t raise no bitch, and again, I was far more confident in my abilities than I really should’ve been. I’ve taken great pride in the past couple years of handling my booze with extreme effectiveness, and that overconfidence really bit me in the ass here. I stuck to beer, and once it started going down like water there was no stopping it.

Reporter: Would you care to discuss the incident?

CrashDavis: Well, when we got on the bus back to the hotel (which we weren’t even staying at), my body began to reject just about everything I had put into it. It came at me like a speeding bullet; I didn’t even see it coming. There are few worse places to get the spins than lying on the floor of a packed bus. The chicken, which had earlier been my savior, made its reappearance on my jacket and my girlfriend’s shoes. I’m not proud of it, nor am I proud of the ensuing spectacle of an argument with my aforementioned girlfriend while waiting for a cab, but you go through these things so you can learn from them. Every wedding needs someone to be the absolute worst person there, and I bit the bullet at this one. In closing, I’m aware of my faults, and I’d just like to thank my supporters for reminding me that everyone has a bad day at the office sometimes. I’m just going to move on and really put more work into putting in a proper game plan for my next wedding.

Reporter: Crash, you’re a real piece of shit.

CrashDavis: Yeah, you’re right.

Image via YouTube

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Kyle Bandujo

The artist formerly known as Crash Davis. My kid doesn't think I'm funny.

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