Stage 1: The Prep
You are about to embark on a journey full of snap judgments and creepy men, so prepare your body by snuggling up in a cozy place with a bag of wine by your side. The cheaper the wine, the better. This is Tinder, after all, and your life is probably in shambles anyway. Do a few thumbs stretches or CrossFit WOTDs to ensure your body is fully ready to simultaneously pass judgment and swipe steadily in the blink of an eye. Lastly, have a secure wi-fi connection ready for action, because as mothers of the future will one day tell their children, data doesn’t grow on trees. With your profile, you’ll need one knockout photo that’ll make all the boys or girls who come across it melt into giant human puddles as they get boners from the simple act of right swiping. Ladies, I suggest you use something that says, “I like to work out and show off my bone structure while mimicking a duck, but I also have a narcissistic side.” Fellas, anything that shows off doozied up muscles (read: gym selfies) or a glorified beer belly is a surefire way to any lady’s Tinderiffic heart.
Step 2: The Strategy
In order to increase the chances of meeting your soulmate or grabbing some new tail, you’ll need to stock up on suitors. Right swipe every person you encounter like you are an irrational hoarder saving for the wintertime. If you’re anything like me, after swiping for a solid seven minutes without breaking for water or snacks, you should have a plethora of desperate wooers at your disposal. Now it’s time to get the ball rolling. The best dating advice I ever received was from my pal Andy Bernard. He taught me that in order to court the opposite sex, you need to lay a hell of a pick up line on them so they know you’re fun and laid back, but also pretty sensitive. According to the Nard Dawg, a romantic “Hey.” to every single one of your matches, using the copy and paste function for efficiency, yields perfect results 60 percent of the time. Do this and sit back as your conversations explode with messages that range from exchanging dowries to exchanging nudies.
Step 3: The Stalking
Stalk the shit out of those who swooned over your dank pick up line and find out as much information as you can. Bonus points if you can figure out where he works solely based on his one to five pictures. (Ca-ching, am I right?) Judge every picture with the same gusto as God at the pearly gates. Ladies should look for men wearing nothing but wife beaters, while guys should gravitate towards girls who push their cleavage to their noses. Be on the lookout for some key personality points:
1) “Idk y my profile says 25 I’m actually 17 but graduating next year love me, plz”
2) “Follow me on Insta @bootay_boy69”
3) “Be the change you want to see in the world” – Marilyn Monroe
4) Anything with the phrase “Tinderella”
Pro Tip: If you find you’re getting messages from suitors you’re not keen on, have the phone number of that bitch you hated back in high school handy.
Step 4: The Follow Through
If one of your Tinder matches insists on “getting to know you,” lie about everything you can to make yourself look more interesting than you really are–people love that. Always, always, ALWAYS find a way to lie about your height so that when the two of you do meet in person, there will be the grand element of surprise. For example, to disguise my Amazonian height, I used pictures of me standing next to my brothers who are, like, 6 foot 8. It makes me look small and petite, when in person, I’m a monster. Also, being surrounded by boys makes you look like an in-demand whore who is easily passed around, which, according to Cosmopolitan, is hot. Who cares if you’re related to the bunch? He’ll never know. Once your future lover is all buttered up, cut the chit chat and get to the point: drinks at the local watering hole.
Step 5: The Surprise
The goal here is that your Tinder pictures were so flattering and perfect that when you walk up to your date at the bar, he or she has no idea who the hell you are. The more foreign you look, the more well received you’ll be. Start the date off with a round of tequila and end it with a round of blacking out. When your date is forced to stuff your limp body in a cab, pretend you’re on “Taxicab Confessions” and go for it. And just like that, you got laid using Tinder.