Warmed the toilet seat for the company president today. Gave him a single pistol and said, “You’re welcome.” PGP.

Bring your child to work day is the best birth control. PGP.

Using your current employer’s printer and scanner to send out your signed offer letter. PGP.

Spending hours meticulously crafting a playlist at work. PGP.

Can’t remember the last time I bought Gatorade for a sports-related reason. PGP.

After two years of work, I just now realized I haven’t been contributing to my 401K. Check your pay stubs, kids. PGP.

Wearing a very intense look on your face while scrolling through Instagram so it looks as though you’re crafting a work email. PGP.

1: “On the bright side, the next Game of Thrones is now only 6 days away.” 2: “I wish someone would poison me.” PGP.

Getting locked out of your home computer for typing in your work password multiple times. PGP.

Thought I was getting yelled at via email because it was in all caps. Turns out my coworker is just a moron. PGP.

After getting your first house, the most exciting purchases you make are a grill and lawn mower. PGP.

Getting yelled at for not responding to an email your boss forgot to send in the first place. PGP.