She changed the Netflix password after we broke up. PGP.

Got drunk and hooked up with a chick in HR. What have I done? PGP.

There was a fight outside my apartment last night. It was between two hobos for a piece of cardboard. PGP.

The Google homepage wished me a happy birthday before any human did. PGP.

Ranking your coworkers by who’s most likely to go postal. PGP.

“Good Day” by Nappy Roots came on Pandora at work and my first thought was “not a chance.” PGP.

My mind is telling me yes. But my body…my body is telling me no. PGP.

Somehow I always manage to get sick on Friday. PGP.

Feeling dirty because I cheated on Netflix with Amazon Prime, even though I don’t pay for either. PGP.

Not needing to prioritize food before women because you’re too poor to afford a date, but just “rich” enough to buy a nice frozen pizza. PGP.

Everyone is working from home today. I didn’t get the memo. PGP.

The only matches I get on Tinder these days are hooker spam bots. PGP.