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Imagine it is 8:15 a.m. Yesterday’s trivia night beer and nachos are rumbling around your belly, and immediately after taking down that large cold brew from Starbs that you paid too much for, you’re headed for the bathroom stalls. Now imagine going through your morning dump routine: Instagram and Twitter feeds have barely been updated since when you checked on your commute. So you open Tinder or Bumble or the swipe app du jour that you’re fancying.
You see someone moderately attractive, so you look at more pictures. Their appearance holds up. Their bio says they went to a great school, and they seem like they have a good job. But then you see it: “Wanderlust * Eat Pray Love * Work hard play harder *” Yuck. Can’t be with someone so cliché. Swipe left. And while this scenario ends up with you and the wanderlust never throwing down in the back of your RAV4, life goes on. But what if your left swipe just sealed this person’s immigration status to the U.S.? That’s right, your left swipe on Nadia just cost her a chance to leave war-torn Genovia. Under Ann Coulter’s policy, this might not be such an outrageous idea.
Ann Coulter, the conservative commentator who spits hotter takes than the sun recently “joked” that she’d run U.S. immigration like Tinder.
“The whole thing can be solved so simply if he [Trump] just puts me in charge of immigration, which I would run like Tinder,” she joked to Business Insider in an interview after participating in a debate at New York City’s Comedy Cellar. “They’ll send me everyone who wants to immigrate here and I’ll decide them all before breakfast. I know they find it very complicated — who’s to say, who’s to say? No, Ann will say,” she said. “And I’ll be right. I will do it on looks, IQ, height — oh, and speaking English.”
Honestly, I kind of love it. You can know instantly by looking at a Tinder bio whether or not this person will be a value add to your life. Handful of pictures, a couple sentences perfectly crafted to capture their personality. It’s brilliant. Coulter just solved US immigration. Look, if you can’t make a hot dating app profile good enough to convince someone to swipe right, do you even deserve to lace ‘em up every day for the stars and stripes?
The real question is, who does Coulter put on her immigration swipe task force? If it’s primarily women, fuhgettaboutit. Nobody will ever get in. I’ve seen some profiles of girls who boast about their Hebrew National-esque high standards, saying “I swipe right maybe once out of every 500.” If you’re trying to build walls, make this girl your czar of immigration.
On the other hand, if you put a guy in charge of the immigration swipe task force, it’s going to be Ellis Island 2.0; give me your sick, your poor, your huddled masses. I think we men have lower standards than Coulter. She’s looking for smart hotties who speak English, while men on the swipe task force swipe for looks exclusively. And even then, guys can’t swipe right fast enough. The rate limiting step is resetting the thumb joint. Everyone will come flooding in.
Be careful what you wish for, Coulter, and choose carefully who you want on the immigration swipe task force. For the application process for this job, might I suggest an interview program akin to…dare I say…Tinder?.
[via Business Insider]