Is Taylor Swift a witch? I’m not even trying to be funny when I say that. I legitimately think that she could be a sorcerer of some kind. The number of famous men she’s had spellbound one minute and then in the depths of despair the next is downright appalling.
After a breakup, there is what I’d like to call a discovery period. Both parties go out with their friends. They probably hook up with someone who they probably shouldn’t hook up with. And then something happens. It might be a month. It might be a year. But sometime in between that time period a light switch flicks back on and tells your brain that you don’t have to be morose 24-7-365. And I think that’s what we’re seeing from our boy Calvin Harris.
By now I think it’s even reached my parents house back in Michigan. Taylor Swift and Calvin Harris have broken up and both of them are dealing with it in their own way.
Taylor did what she always does. She scooped up some dude named Tom Hiddleston to fill the void like a day after dumping Calvin and has been in the tabloids all summer. Calvin Harris on the other hand has been relatively quiet if you don’t count the time a couple weeks back when he went on a Twitter rant and probably burned any bridge he had left connecting himself to Taylor.
And that is totally fine. Pictured above is a svelte Calvin Harris. This is all me speculating, but from this Instagram picture alone I can deduce that he decided to start hitting the gym again after a week long bender where he went back and forth trying to decide if he should call T. Swift up and tell her how much he misses her.
I’ve never been a huge fan of Taylor Swift, but she must be a fantastic lay. I say this because we now have two songs written about the queen of the basics. John Mayer allegedly wrote “Paper Doll” about Swift and now we have what I would call a subdued heater from Calvin Harris.
I’ve been a fan of Calvin Harris since his album “I Created Disco” came out way back in ’07. The man is groovy. And I know that he’s a celebrity but I can definitely sympathize with him right now. The guy seems to be a little morose. Melancholy. Tired.
On the new song, Harris—a broken shell of a man—contributes his own vocal track. It’s an intimate, honest vocal performance, that’s oddly sped up to match the rushed tempo of worldly clanging beach drums.
“You are the one thing in my way,” he sings.
Taylor Swift’s public persona is insufferable. I can’t stand her. And I doubt that her posting pictures with B-list actors on Instagram is making Calvin feel any better about his situation. Looking at some guy with your ex-girlfriend on Instagram a few weeks after breaking up has got to be awful.
So the only thing I can take away from this song that Harris released is that Taylor is an absolute dragon in the sack and a completely different person when the cameras aren’t on. Hang in there, Calvin. I’m sure the commitment-free ass you’re getting on a consistent basis and the millions of dollars you’re making traveling around the world helps soothe any pain associated with heartbreak. .