All The Differences Between Taking A Drunk Uber Versus A Sober Uber

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Ridesharing makes the world go around. Well, not really, but it at least gets you from point-a to point-b without running the risk of getting a DUI and/or having to worry about parking. The most important part of any Uber or Lyft ride (you know, besides keeping the streets safe from drunken maniacs driving recklessly after fifteen vodka-Red Bulls in their Avalanches littered with Monster stickers) is the relationship between driver and passenger.

Giving your driver five-stars is standard practice, but every other formality goes out the window when you’ve had an influx of alcohol into your system.

Waiting For Your Ride (Early)

Sober: “Seriously, where the fuck is this guy? It said he was only five minutes away and I’ve been sitting here for, like, six fucking minutes.”
Drunk: “Matt in his Nissan fucking Altima needs to chill – he’s been outside for like three minutes and just called me.”

Waiting For Your Ride (Late Night)

Sober: “Uggghhh, I’m so tired, just get here already so I can get home and go to bed.”
Drunk: *forgets you ever called an Uber, goes to another bar, cancels ride, complains about ride cancellation fee in the morning*

Immediately Upon Getting In The Car

Sober: “I’m doing well, thanks. Did I put in a location? Awesome, yeah, just turn around here.”
Drunk: “Mattttt, whazzzzzzuppppp? Tell me your entire life story. Do people ever throw up in your backseat? Oh god, you think I’m going to throw up in your backseat now, don’t you? Is this, like, your full-time job? I hate my boyfriend.”

When Selecting The Music

Sober: “Oh, no, this Seal album of covers is totally fine.”
Drunk: “Do you have an aux cord?” *puts on ‘Paris’* “Can you turn it up?” *he turns it up* “Can you turn it up, like, a tadddd more? *plays ‘Paris’ again*

In Regard To The Temperature

Sober: “It feels great in here, thanks for asking. On second thought, could you turn down the heat just a touch? Sorry to be annoying.”
Drunk: “Can I put the windows down? I have this idea called UberCONVERTIBLE where you only call convertibles that pick you up from the bar. Like, I know you can only take on passenger per trip but I feel like people would pay an upcharge for that. Do you have any app development background we could use to get this off the ground?”

Regarding The Route

Sober: “Uhhh, yeah, let me pull this up on Waze. It looks like there’s some traffic over here so I can probably just get out here and walk a block up.”
Drunk: “Oh my God, can we stop at this Taco Bell? Seriously, Matt, what do you want from Taco Bell? I’ll get you anything. *screams into Taco Bell speaker* “Yeah so I’ll have six Cheesy Gordita Crunches, dos Doritos Locos Tacos, a MexiMelt, three soft tacos, three hardshell tacos, and my friend Matt here will have two extra Cheesy Gordita Crunches. Matt, do you want any salsa?”

When There’s A Lull In Conversation

Sober: *texts, checks Instagram, checks Waze, texts more*
Drunk: “So, like, Matt, how’s your night been? Have you been busy? OMG, am I talking your ear off? I’m probably so annoying. I really like this car, what year is it? Do you work all night? Am I your last ride? What are your deepest, darkest fears? Have you lost any close family members lately?”

When You Get Dropped Off (Good Ride)

Sober: “Yeah, here’s fine. Thanks, Matt, hope you have a great night!”
Drunk: “Mattttttt, it’s been so real. Seriously, I hope I get you again, you were the best Uber driver I’ve, like, ever had. You’re totally getting five stars. If I could give you six stars, I’d give you six stars. Can you see my rating? I’m, like, totally five stars.” *goes inside and passes out forgetting to rate driver until the next night’s Uber trip*

When You Get Dropped Off (Bad Ride)

Sober: “Thanks for the ride!” *gets out of car debating giving four-stars, gives five-stars out of guilt*
Drunk: *gets out of car* “Seriously, what the fuck was that guy’s problem? I hope his entire family dies. I’m giving him one-star and he can, like, deal with it. Don’t have your car smell like strip club perfume if you want five-stars next time, Matt.” *gives one-star, feels guilty about it in the morning* .

Image via YouTube

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Will

Will (Twitter / Instagram) is the host of The Sunday Scaries Podcast.

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