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Meet Gary. He’s a former business owner from Maryland. After handing off his small but successful accounting firm to his two sons, he and his dreamboat wife Diane took off for Key Biscayne. Between tearing it up at the bingo hall, rocking the shit out of pastel polos, and making an absolute embarrassment of his grandkids in MarioKart, Gary began to wonder how other folks his age could ever complain about boredom post-retirement. One day, he was approached by a stock photographer who, after observing Gary’s striking features and unwavering enthusiasm for life, asked to document his adventures. Gary looked him in the eye and gave him the affirmative: “Strap the fuck in, player.”
The first thing you should know about Gary is no one can tell him shit about style. He has this polo/sweater combo in 14 colors. Navy blue is for when he’s feeling dressy. Lime green is reserved for Sundays on the golf course. The lavender shade you see here is especially reserved for when his sons let him help with a merger negotiation. You can take the man out of the business, but you can’t take the business out of the man.
Gary’s fast paced lifestyle never prevents him from starting each day with a glamour pump. He follows one mantra: “Curls for the girls, tri’s for the guys.” Given the evident feedback from the ladies, it’s working out just fine.
Here’s Gary after some shitty kid told him he should switch up his sweater/scarf ensemble with a little more contrast. His response? “That’s interesting, because your grandma loves the way it looks on her floor.” The second thing you should know about Gary is that he fashions himself a bit of a savage, as the kids say.
Our boy G has been known to let loose every now and again. Legend has it the next morning Gary woke up soaked in Dom next to a sequined purse with $500,000 of poker chips in it. When he called for his car, the valet drove up in a Lamborghini Aventador. He is legally prohibited from disclosing the events leading up to this, which would only be a problem if he remembered them. Fortunately and unsurprisingly, he doesn’t.
Thought you’d seen it all? Nah. Our man’s got layers. You think the honor system is all that deters cheating on the squash courts? Your optimism is adorable, but with all due respect, Gary’s method is a bit more efficient. You don’t respect a fair game – Gary doesn’t respect your right to continue having legs. I would take a minute to sort out those priorities.
At the end of the day, there is nothing Gary enjoys more than relaxing with Bae. He understands the importance of keeping the mind, body, and spirit aligned. While we know G-Dog gets into some high pressure situations, the most rewarding part of his day is regrouping with a deep inhale of oxygen and a satisfying exhale of his fucks..
Images via Shutterstock