======= ======= ====== ====== ====== ===== ==== ====== ====== ===== ==== ======= ======= ====== ====== ====== ===== ==== ====== ====== ===== ====
Todd walked through the door a touch after 6 o’clock with his bag thrown over his shoulder and his sunglasses on. Upon taking them off, he looked at their apartment and noticed it was notably cleaner than when he left it that morning.
“Place looks great, babe,” he told her.
With her head buried into her tasks in the kitchen, she didn’t turn to acknowledge that he had entered the apartment or even make eye contact. “Thanks,” she muttered. “I had the maid come and tidy up so it would look at least presentable for tonight.
Their apartment was spotless, except for the kitchen. On the island between the stove and the living room rested two cases of wine, one of which was from their wine club subscription and the other she had picked up from a cellar about fifteen blocks north. Between their sink and oven, she hovered over a large cutting board that Todd theorized she had bought that day purely for the party. In plastic bags and saran wrap next to the board sat a plethora of food – grapes, cheeses, and high-end deli meat that neither of them could properly pronounce.
“Ohh, that looks good,” Todd said as he approached her.
“Don’t you even dare eat any of this before people get here,” she told him, knife in hand.
Fervently, she began attempting to arrange the meats and cheeses in what appeared to be a presentable way. Several times, she would completely remove the meat and cheese from the board and reposition it hoping it would magically look nicer. And after about ten minutes of watching, Todd asked, “Is it really that important?”
“Todd, you just don’t get it,” she explained. “This looks like shit.”
He reached into one of the boxes and pulled out a bottle of red wine. He looked at the label and realized that this particular bottle was from the cellar and not from their subscription. “Ohhh, this looks pretty good,” he remarked while reaching for the corkscrew.
“Ugh, Todd, seriously,” she pleaded. “Please stop. Save that for the party and drink a bottle that we already have open. I didn’t buy $40 bottles of wine so we could drain them before anyone even got here.”
“Forty dollars?” he thought to himself while calculating the rest of the box. He considered asking who was going to pay for the case of wine, but using his better judgment, he decided against it and thought it best to wait until the next day.
He decided to ask if there was anything he could help with before everyone showed up at 7 o’clock. Upon asking, he had to ask again because she had been distracting herself with attempts to Snapchat her seemingly completed cheeseboard that (to Todd, at least) just looked like a pile of food with name tags stuck into each of the cheeses.
Looking deeply into her phone, still not having made eye contact with him, she finally answered – “I guess you can light all the candles. I look like shit and still have to get dressed before everyone arrives.”
Looking at his watch, Todd mentally registered that forty-five minutes was more than enough time for her to get ready for the simple cocktail party that she had talked herself into having after word got out that Alex and Trip had scheduled their own party for that night (and didn’t invite them).
“Todd, I need to take a body shower and steam my new blouse,” she began. “Can you make sure the baked brie is out of the oven in fifteen minutes? The wine needs to be put away on the rack and we should have at least three different bottles open for when people arrive. All the glasses are still packed away in a box in the pantry, so those are going to need to get unpacked and washed because, like, ew. I couldn’t figure out how to work the Bluetooth on the stereo, so I need you to sort that out too. I made a playlist on our Spotify account called ‘Summer Breeze’ so just put that one and make sure it’s not too loud. Caroline always shows up early, so if she does, ask her to help you turn on the Christmas lights on the porch because sometimes they’re a bitch. And change out of that shirt. It’s so wrinkled.”
Todd looked at her with a shell-shocked face. “Okay,” he responded as she closed the bathroom door and began running the shower. He walked from the kitchen to their bedroom where a shirt was already set out of for him on their bed. “Well,” he thought, “I guess this is what I’m wearing tonight.” He put it on and headed back to the kitchen to check on the brie, which appeared to be smoking.
“Fuck,” he muttered as he opened the oven and took it out. Setting it on the stove, he looked at it closely and had no idea if it was undercooked, overcooked, or perfect. He checked his watch – 6:37 p.m. He grabbed her phone from the island counter and entered the passcode, immediately noticing that she didn’t even have her Bluetooth turned on. He walked over to the stereo and ensured it was on, setting the volume on 17.
“Alright, now for the Christmas lights,” he said while pouring a glass of wine out of one of the three bottles he had opened and set on the bar. He opened the sliding screen door and saw the plug resting over one of the wicker chairs. He grabbed it, plugged it into their outdoor outlet, and each light illuminated perfectly. Looking at his watch again, he saw 6:52 and could hear her still getting ready in the bathroom.
Todd’s mental checklist appeared to be completed, so he made his way to the cheeseboard and made himself a cracker sandwich with smoked gouda and prosciutto.
“Todd!” he heard from afar. “Not. Until. Everyone. Gets. Here.”
He rolled his eyes as a knock on the door interrupted the impending dispute over cheese and crackers.
“Ugh,” she groaned. “It must be fucking Caroline, I’ll get it.”
Todd took his glass of wine and sat on a chair in the living room while she approached the door. As she opened the door, both she and Caroline let out unintelligible screeching before hugging. Caroline had a bottle of wine in hand (“You didn’t have to do that!” she told her) and John carried a canvas bag with some type of appetizer inside. As Caroline entered, she complimented her blouse (“Oh, this old thing?”) and commented on how great their new apartment had come together.
“Ugh, this place is a mess,” she responded. “I didn’t have time to clean up anything before the party, but oh well.”
John approached Todd in the living room and they shook hands.
“What’s up, buddy?” John asked.
“Same shit,” Todd said. “Different day.” .
Respond
Will
Will (Twitter / Instagram) is the host of The Sunday Scaries Podcast.
@willdefries
@willdefries
defriewf
will@grandex.co
Every week these cure my relationship FOMO. So thanks for that I guess, Will.
We need to get together and drink.
I’m on a juice cleanse.
Wine is made from grapes. Problem solved.
Found the cure for the FOMO.
https://youtu.be/25QyCxVkXwQ
Caroline’s monologue before walking in: “John, we have to be here early so I don’t have to stay late. That bitch just doesn’t know anything about humility and wants to show off her apartment. We only staying for an hour, hour and fifteen tops, and then we’re going to Alex and Trips. Lindsay told me they got a puppy, so I want to know what type they got so, like, I don’t get the same one. Okay, now, move your hair like this, I hate your hair like that. Happy faces.” Todd’s girlfriend opens door and Caroline lets out a scream along with her.
I was praying to you when Todd unlocked her phone. “Oh Jesus, please let him see some texts from Trip.”
Trip definitely sent some picks to Todd of them having a full on rager while Todd sat quietly on the couch with the rest of the whipped boys and petted Sperry, who, feeling the dismay of his master, wept sad doggy tears that no one could see because of his fur.
Me too, man. Me too…
Jesus is always watching. This is proof.
Not a fan of having to click to read the comments.
Agreed. The comments are some of the best content! #content never sleeps
a maid and $40 bottles of wine. When are we going to get to the part where she finds out she’s $50,000 in debt?
#daddysmoney
I’m waiting for a sub plot where it’s revealed that her father runs off to Panama with his secretary after embezzling company funds and leaves our heroine without funding.
My sister and her husband have a maid come every week to clean their apartment for like $70. She’s there for like an hour because their apartment is 1050 square feet so pretty sweet rate for cleaning.
I’d clean an apartment for $70/hr. That’s a great rate for a maid
They’re overpaying. $80 for 4,000 Sq. ft. It’s the parents place, but still counts.
It’s my understanding they are aware they’re overpaying and just don’t care. These are also the same people who PeaPod their groceries that must be from Mariano’s and refuse to buy a bottle of wine less than $50 to avoid a hangover.
$50 bottles? I thought I felt fancy for spending $20
A maid is a must if you have extra funds. I pay a cleaning lady $70 to come every three weeks to do a deep clean. The rest of the time you just keep your shit tidy and people will think your a fully functioning adult.
I enjoy cleaning my Apt, don’t think it’s a big deal. If I’m hungover it helps sweat the booze out.
Trust me, you can get hangovers from bottles of wine that cost much more than $50.
Well, she threatened him with a knife. I’m convinced this is foreshadowing
Same shit, different week. Poor Todd, the fight is just slowly draining out of him.
What fight? He never even tried. At this point, he deserves what he gets. #FreeSperry though
He’s a shell of his former self now.
Still haven’t had a housewarming party. This girl officially has her shit more together than I do.
It was nice knowing you all.
If you guys have friends like mine, a housewarming party will turn into a banger and a huge mess that you won’t want to clean up
Same. I’m past the point of wanting people over. My home is for me time, not for cleaning up my friends’ trash.
Can confirm. But it’s worth it.
I was doing so well until you reminded me of that.
I’m in the same boat as you guys. Should I start questioning my life decisions?
Same here. Lived at my place for over a year now. O well.
We haven’t had a single other person into our condo since we moved in 4 months ago. It’s been amazing.
15 minutes to turn on a radio, pour a glass of wine and plug in some lights? Christ, Todd…
Um, he also had to wash all the glasses! And he left the brie in for 7 minutes too long.
Yes?
I finally get it, this is the pre-cursor to Gone Girl! When do we get the the part where she slits his throat while he’s inside her? *top scene*