7 Fail Proof Ways To Have A Better Morning

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It seems everyone has a list of what you can do as a working adult to ensure you “start your day better.” If you were to line up the lists side by side, you’d see that none really differ that much from the other. They’re pretty much all spitting the same tips at you–the tips you’ve heard time and time again, yet still can’t seem to get the hang of.

Why is that? Why does it seem like getting up for work each day, however far into the job world you are, has only become increasingly more difficult? I’ll tell you why: because that’s just the way it is and it ain’t never gonna change. Show me a full-time employee who pops out of bed with an air of impossible vigor for life each and every day, and I’ll show you my left tit.

Here’s what these lists should truly say.

Get up as soon as your alarm sounds…if you can.
If you hit snooze for a total of an hour, you have a fucking sleep disorder and need to go to the doctor. If you hit it twice or three times, that’s acceptable. If you never hit it and legitimately spring awake and immediately climb out of bed on time, I applaud you, but you may also be a serial killer. Oh, and the whole setting your phone across the room trick? Do you know how many smartphones have been murdered in cold blood because of this? Stoned, beaten, harassed from feet away with blunt objects? Do your part to stop violence against smartphone alarm clocks and keep your phone under your pillow or in between your legs like a normal person.

Drink a tall glass of water.
Because who doesn’t crave water first thing in the morning upon waking from a deep slumber? Sorry, have you ever tried this tip and felt the water as it penetrates your innards, coating your empty stomach while making you wretch in pain? Water first thing in the morning after your body has worked so hard burning calories over the course of the last (recommended) seven or eight hours is painful to endure. The first thing that should go into your pie hole is coffee. Not water. Not Diet Coke (this act alone deserves its own piece). Not really even hot tea, unless it’s caffeinated. And definitely not iced tea–SAVAGE! Coffee. Coffee first, everything else later.

Breathe, duh.
No, really. This is on some lists, a reminder to inhale and exhale upon waking up. If you’re not breathing already, you’re dead. Soooo.

Do some pushups.  
Wut? No. Wait, seriously though? You want me to not only get up as soon as my alarm goes off but, in addition, add to that by rolling directly out of bed onto the floor and completing a series of pushups? I thought we knew each other, but clearly, I was wrong.

Make your bed.
I used to be anal about this, until one day, it hit me: WHY? I’m just going to get right back into it in about, oh, eight hours? Maybe if I’m having guests over that night, sure. Then it’s reasonable. But to make my bed just to say it’s made? I’ve got better things to do in the mornings, like keep sleeping or standing numbly in the shower for 20 minutes.

Eat a “good” breakfast.
Breakfast has been and will probably always be hard for me. It confuses me how I can go to sleep feeling like I could inhale a Chipotle burrito, but wake up concerned only with making it to work at a decent time and nothing more. But, really, even if I had that extra time, I’m not about a big breakfast. Taking the effort to concoct something “balanced” with “protein” (no idea why that’s in square quotes, but it is) is about as appealing in the mornings as going to the gym after work when it’s crowded. It’s a miracle if I make a bowl of cereal, so ordering me to scramble up some eggs with fresh veggies or make steel-cut oatmeal from scratch with freshly-picked lingonberries is crazy talk. Society, stop trying to make breakfast as your biggest meal happen. It’s not going to happen.

Take a moment to reflect on the day ahead.
Yeah, okay. I can handle this one, but it’s also, like, what else are you going to think of? All you think about is work and how you have to go to it and do it and then have a small break from it while you sleep and do it all over again the next day. And, just when you think it’s going to be a “slow” week, suddenly you have shorter deadlines and two presentations that you didn’t know about until yesterday, and what do you mean “take a moment to reflect?” ALL I DO IS REFLECT. IN FACT, I CAN’T STOP. IT’S A PROBLEM.

So, up and at ’em, everyone! Carpe that diem before the diem carpes you.

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Emma G

Emma is a female with a vagina and, subsequently, often writes things other vaginas (and sometimes weiners) find super relatable. She is a 20something who loves eating, buying clothes she doesn't need, and wearing lipstick. You can find 4+ years of her rantings on her blog:

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