Hangovers In College vs. Hangovers Now

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How different is college from the real world? Obviously, you have a job, more financial responsibilities, and you’re expected to keep your shit relatively together. The most striking difference is how your aging body now responds to alcohol. You abused your insides for four years and now the sloppy mush that is your abdominal cavity is paying you back for all those years you treated it like a drainpipe. Payback’s a bitch.

College: Treated with Gatorade and some pot.
Now: Treated with Gatorade, Advil, McDonalds breakfast, a sauna, coffee, Emergen-C, more Advil, Pedialyte.

College: Beer shits.
Now: Raging bout of watery diarrhea from hell.

College: Minor scrapes and bruises. You have no idea how they got there.
Now: Minor scrapes and bruises from when you fell. In front of people.

College: Sleep it off and skip class.
Now: Take a sick day or get fired.

College: Over in 2-3 hours.
Now: Over in 48 hours.

College: Sex with the rando you woke up next to.
Now: Jerk off in the handicap stall at 10:15 a.m.

College: An odd sense of contentment and pride.
Now: An overwhelming sense of panic and anxiety.

College: Order pizza.
Now: Eat a Baconator alone in your car.

College: Text your friends about last night.
Now: Ignore your friends’ texts.

College: Call parents for money.
Now: Refuse to look at your checking account.

College: Headache is gone after two hours, time for a nap.
Now: Brain may explode out of your head. All you want to do is sleep.

College: Panic about not being able to find your wallet.
Now: Panic about everything.

College: You pissed the bed.
Now: You pissed the couch.

College: Pop an addy.
Now: Pop some Tums.

College: Can’t wait to do it again tonight.
Now: Think about going off the grid so no one can force you into drinking ever again.

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Brian McGannon

What do I love? I love happy hour, a good golf tan, and getting moderately drunk during dinner.

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