A Guide To Socially Acceptable Substance Abuse


Just because you’re getting older, it doesn’t mean you have to grow up. The trick is to appear as if you’re a mature adult when it counts: weddings, work events, charity events, anytime you risk seeing a coworker in public. It’s all about how you present yourself. Sure, maybe you spent the last 48 hours on a bender and ingested enough blow to make Lindsay Lohan look like an amateur, but you need to pull your shit together because your boss invited you to a ballgame and you can’t be late. Blacking out on weeknights (aside from Friday) makes you look like an alcoholic, so you have to schedule your binge drinking on nights where you can spend the following day either dying in bed or drinking more. Here is a quick rundown of how to maintain your dignity while still trying to party.

UNACCEPTABLE: Showing up to a work event blacked out.
ACCEPTABLE: Blacking out after a work event, far, far from anyone in leadership.

UNACCEPTABLE: Bringing a bottle of twist-off wine to your boss’s party.
ACCEPTABLE: Bringing a nice bottle of scotch. Or whiskey. Or vodka.

UNACCEPTABLE: Doing blow before a major presentation.
ACCEPTABLE: Blowing rails off a stripper’s tits. On your birthday. In Vegas.

UNACCEPTABLE: Taking advantage of Monday through Friday happy hour.
ACCEPTABLE: It’s happy hour. Singular. Pick one.

UNACCEPTABLE: Buying Xanax from roommates when you’re stressed.
ACCEPTABLE: Going to the doctor and getting a prescription. You’ve got health insurance, so take advantage of it and pop your own pills like a REAL adult.

UNACCEPTABLE: Pregaming with Fireball before the company holiday party.
ACCEPTABLE: Enjoying a seasonal craft beer or two before the company holiday party.

UNACCEPTABLE: Ripping a bowl when you’re painfully hungover, bored, or just whenever you feel like smoking pot.
ACCEPTABLE: Hitting a joint in the Bahamas on a work sponsored trip with the CEO, passed to you by the CEO.

UNACCEPTABLE: Using PTO for St. Patrick’s Day.
ACCEPTABLE: Using PTO for the day AFTER St. Patrick’s Day. No one at work needs to see the disaster of a human you’ve become after drinking Guinness all night.

UNACCEPTABLE: Having a dealer.
ACCEPTABLE: Knowing a guy who has a dealer.

UNACCEPTABLE: Dropping acid at an EDM concert.
ACCEPTABLE: Taking shrooms before the opera.

UNACCEPTABLE: Drinking Four Loko at an alumni tailgate.
ACCEPTABLE: Drinking vodka Red Bull at your alma mater tailgate so you make it past halftime–the sugar free kind, because you’re doing “The Biggest Loser” challenge at work and you can’t afford extra booze calories.

UNACCEPTABLE: Doing molly at a sales convention.
ACCEPTABLE: Snorting some Adderall and chatting up the hot sales reps. Molly is for college kids and English backpackers in Thailand. Grow up, Peter Pan.

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