31 Signs You’re On A Disaster Date


All might be fair in love and war, but you know what’s not fair? Going on dates with huge fucking assholes. If you’ve had the misfortune of going on a date with a horrible human being, you feel my pain. The pain that is sitting across from someone who you want to gag with your cloth napkin. The pain that is debating if it’s bad karma to “use the restroom” and slip out the back. The astonishment that someone could be so rude and so clueless all at once. I once had the displeasure of going on a first (and last) date with a guy who told me my cleavage was disappointing—literally verbatim, “Your tits are disappointing.” And I have great boobs. Here are the signs that you’re probably on a date with the worst person in the world:

  1. Your date shows up more than 10 minutes late then blames it on the ethnicity of their Uber driver.
  2. When you meet them they greet you with a wink and finger guns.
  3. They call you pet names like “toots” and “hun” throughout the entire date.
  4. They complain about the place you chose being dull.
  5. They make passive aggressive comments about the prices, and make jokes about how you’re going to be the one footing the bill.
  6. They’re rude to the waitstaff.
  7. They ask the server where the “shitter” is located.
  8. They order shots before appetizers.
  9. When the shots arrive they throw them both back immediately—not offering you one.
  10. They smell something, make a face, then ask, “Did you fart?”
  11. They answer a phone call in the middle of the date and tell the person on the other line, “Nah I’m not busy, what’s up?”
  12. They ask for the menu with the caloric breakdown.
  13. When drinks arrive they propose a toast to “Blunts, broads, ménage a trios, sex and expensive cars.”
  14. While you’re in the bathroom your date sends you a Snapchat of the outline of his jeans boner.
  15. She takes a selfie during conversation.
  16. They explain to you they almost canceled but really wanted to get buzzed and all their friends were busy.
  17. The terms “circle jerk,” “blumpkin,” and “pink sock” are brought up before the server takes your drink order.
  18. They’re Tindering at the table.
  19. They’re so drunk they fall out of their chair.
  20. They point at another woman and say, “Now that’s what I like. Why didn’t you wear something like that?”
  21. They ask you how much money you make.
  22. They rush to get the bill because they’ve got plans afterwards.
  23. They talk about their cat, past relationships and political conspiracy theories for the majority of the date.
  24. Their mom drops them off.
  25. They’re “allergic” to gluten.
  26. He orders a steak over the fish tacos, saying he only likes fish tacos after 2am. *winks*
  27. They get drunk and pick a fight with a stranger.
  28. They don’t tip well. Or at all.
  29. They eat their entire meal then tell the server it was awful and dispute the charge on the bill.
  30. They talk in text lingo and say things like, “oh-em-gee that’s hilar,” or “el-oh-el. I can’t even.”
  31. They end the date with, “Your place or mine?”

Dating is the worst.

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