Bought a new mattress and a new office chair. If that’s how I’m going to spend 90% of my time, I might as well be comfortable. PGP.

Giancarlo Stanton now makes 893 times my current salary. PGP.

I have literally zero control over how much I drink whenever I go out. PGP.

Until recently, I thought Ariana Grande was a font in Microsoft Office. PGP.

I don’t have anything witty to say, I just really hate my job. PGP.

Timehop informed me that Mario Kart was first released today, 22 years ago. PGP.

Puked, but did not rally. PGP.

Going from “it’s not alcoholism until you graduate” to “it’s not alcoholism until you’re married.” PGP.

My little cousin said she loves Beyoncé. Trying to bond, I told her I liked Destiny’s Child. She had no idea what I was talking. PGP.