My parents bought a bar. They still charge me for drinks. PGP.

Going to the bathroom out of sheer boredom. PGP.

Realizing your older coworkers don’t think you are as funny as the pledges always seemed to. PGP.

How does one get into white collar crime? PGP.

The overly aggressive automatic flusher just sprayed shit all over my clothes. PGP.

Can’t Snap my deuces to friends because of the office’s automatic thrones. PGP.

I call our outsourced team in India more than I call my mother. PGP.

My best friend has a smoking hot fiancée and bought a house. I find myself resenting him. PGP.

Yesterday was my boss’s birthday and we ate at a Brazilian steakhouse on the company card. Today was my birthday and I ate a Wendy’s baconator alone in my car. PGP.

Girlfriend, 401(k), gym membership. Pick one. PGP.