Too old to have roommates. Too poor to live alone. PGP.

I wish my mom still packed my lunch. PGP.

Putting the toilet seat cover on while talking on the phone was by far the most productive thing I’ve done this month. PGP.

Sneezed at the urinal, pissed on my tie. PGP.

Bank info was stolen, but none of the fraudulent charges went through because I don’t have enough money to afford the things they tried to buy. PGP.

“Hey Dad, I’m coming home today” “Why?” PGP.

The Google homepage wished me a happy birthday before any human did. PGP.

My mind is telling me yes. But my body…my body is telling me no. PGP.

Had a dream I was fired and got a huge severance package. Best dream ever. PGP.

“You really need to stop treating the intern like he is a pledge from your fraternity days”-My boss. PGP.