Going to visit your parents on their anniversary like a good son…with two hampers full of laundry. PGP.

Don’t even know why I own sunglasses. The only time I escape the four walls of this hell hole is when it’s dark. PGP.

Started this month with a broken down car and declined credit card. Happy October. PGP.

Can’t wait for November so I can stop shaving and not feel guilty about it. PGP.

Someone in HR overheard me telling the interns an embellished sex story from college. Strike one. PGP.

I only check my 401k to remind myself that I actually have assets somewhere in this world. PGP.

Convincing yourself that taking the stairs once a day counteracts your horrendously unhealthy eating habits. PGP.

Actually having a job that has me too busy to get on PGP anymore. PGP.

I’m better prepared to get Ebola than to get someone pregnant. PGP.

I have to work on my birthday this year. My birthday is on a Saturday. PGP.