Dipping pouches because I’m a pussy. PGP

Shattered my iPhone screen and now I’m swiping blind on Tinder. PGP.

My piss still smells like beer. PGP.

Leaving at noon today. But then again, every day is a half day. PGP.

Throwing up in your backyard five hours before work. PGP.

Accidentally referred to myself as an alcoholic instead of a workaholic in a phone interview. At least I told the truth. PGP.

“You surpassed your annual billable hours goal by 35%, so I gave you a performance rating of ‘Meets Expectations’.” PGP.