I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, assuming I die by Monday. PGP.

25% battery by 2pm. PGP.

Taking full advantage of Dockers patented elastic waistline. PGP.

Started upper-middle class now I’m poor. PGP.

My friends are all getting engaged. I’m still puking on street corners. PGP.

It’s almost “drive to work in the dark, drive home in the dark” season. PGP.

Until recently, I thought Ariana Grande was a font in Microsoft Office. PGP.

Netflix autopay just overdrafted my checking account. PGP.

All my friends are assholes, but I have no idea where you find new ones. PGP.

Getting yelled at by your boss because you have been making the intern water the fake plants for the last three months. PGP.