“I’m sorry, but the person you called has a voice mailbox that has not been setup yet. Goodbye.”

Cut off from bottomless mimosas. PGP.

I know exactly how much I can drink on a weeknight and not be hungover at work the next day. I usually blow right past it around 9 p.m. PGP.

You make a drunken scene at one family wedding, and no one lets you live it down. PGP

Your boss complaining about being broke. PGP.

Having ambitions to make chicken parmesan for dinner, being so lazy I settle for a rotisserie chicken instead. PGP

Taking this dad body to Mexico

My Tinder matches give me pep talks.

I’ve never been asked for proof that I graduated. PGP.