One of the many weird things I do when I’m drunk is taking notes on my phone. Sometimes it’s a “genius” idea I have. Sometimes it’s a funny story that I know I won’t remember without help. Sometimes it’s a drunk text to an ex-girlfriend that I accidentally (thank God) typed into the notes app. I recently took a trip down (lack of) memory lane and have compiled the ten strangest ones for your viewing pleasure. Grammar and spelling was not fixed for transparency and comedic reasons.
“My girlfriend passed out in bed with a slice of pizza still in her hand make fun of her tomorrow.”
Pretty straightforward stuff here. My girlfriend, after a particularly aggressive night of tequila shots, decided she was both hungry and tired and combined the two by eating in bed with predictable results. I don’t have any real memories of this event, but it’s clear that drunk me thought it was funny enough to make fun of her for in the morning.
“Ok it’s a drink called a time machine cos it teleports you to the future lol like a blackout get it? maybe something with Jager and Bacardi Gold in it?”
I’m not going to lie, I still think this is a good name for a drink, and I thank drunk me for very clearly spelling out the joke to ensure that I would understand it. Ironically, that guy has no confidence in sober me’s intelligence. As for the ingredients I suggest, I think I can speak for everyone when I say I would rather get punched in the face than drink that mixture. The last time I drank Jager I woke up in bloody sheets with three different fence posts in my bed. The last time I drank Bacardi Gold I threw up at a cable car while cursing the entire city of San Francisco. This drink should never be created.
“One of those workplace injury sign whiteboards except it says ‘____ days since last blackout’ I’m a genius.”
Drunk me might be a cocky bastard, but you have to admit this would be hilarious to see on the wall. Unfortunately, I’m way too old to have something like this in my apartment, so if any 18 to 22-year-olds are reading this site, here’s a free idea for you. I’m a genius.
“Ask Jasmine out on a real date and be a grownup about it.”
After some mental digging, I came up with the memories that help make sense of this note. From what I recall, I met a girl named Jasmine who was originally feeling me, and then freaked out when she realized I was four years her junior. Clearly, I knew what I needed to do. I made this note to act upon the next day, courteously said my goodbye, and proceeded to never hit her up again. Seems pretty grown up to me.
“You’re like my dad right you wouldn’t fuck me over?’ -Aubrey”
One of my most hated traits as a friend is my ability to hold people accountable for all the weird shit that say when they’re intoxicated. This was said by a friend of my mine to a cab driver when he started taking a roundabout route back to her house, followed by a forced pinky promise to not overcharge her for the ride, which he immediately did anyways. Fuck cab drivers.
“Cracken the Code- Kraken rum and Mountain Dew Code Red”
Thinking of atrocious drinks with clever names is my passion, and I won’t apologize for it. I will, however, apologize to everyone who interacted with me after I drank this vile concoction.
“’I’m ready for day drinking…I’m wearing a shirt I can puke on and a jacket I can lose.’ –Joe, 9:19am”
Never let it be said that Joe is not a great planner. This was said before we embarked on a day long bar crawl through San Francisco, and he stayed true to his word by losing both well before 5 p.m. Thankfully, wandering shirtless through SF is not only acceptable, but encouraged, so it didn’t slow down our drinking at all.
“You ate your roommate’s pasta sauce pay them back you drunk fuck.”
Variations of this note pop up every few months on my phone, occasionally accompanied by actual notes I write my roommate’s and hang on the fridge to let them know I ate their shit. Yes, living with me is a dream come true.
“$10 bet: Randy Moss will get 8 TDs this season.”
Out of all the dumb shit I’ve ever drunkenly said, this one may take the cake. I wish I could tell you this note is referring to the Patriot’s 2009 Randy Moss, but it was written in 2012. In case you were wondering, during that season my boy Randy got three touchdowns for the Niners. Three. I let my love of a great receiver cloud and impair my judgment, and I paid for it (with ten dollars).
“Your girlfriend just added vodka to her wine because it wasn’t strong enough this is proof you’re dating a psycho.”
Ah, young love. This note refers to my college girlfriend who, during our relationship, was arrested thrice; once for punching a cop and once for punching me. She also broke two of my phones, my bedroom window, and flooded an entire hallway of a hotel during one of my formals. All that could have been avoided by just listening to my note, but of course I did not, because crazy girls are my jam.
“John ate the skin off another man’s wings.”
I love telling this story almost as much as John hates me telling this story. On the third day of our fraternity retreat in a cabin in Lake Tahoe, food had become scarce. Forty guys doing nothing but eating and drinking for 72 hours had put a significant dent in the rations, and of course, no one was sober enough to drive to the grocery store. For that reason, it caught our attention when we saw John hunched over a plate in the corner of the room, gnawing away at something. When called out, he looked up shamefully, and revealed that he had been picking at the leftover buffalo wings we had eaten the day before. That’s right. Day old wings that had already had 90% of the meat cleaned off them by all of us. Disgusting. I tell this story at least once a year, lest it ever fades from his memory. .