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I made a harsh, and probably overdue realization about myself last weekend. I was pre-gaming with the crew; drinking wildly unnecessary amounts of whiskey to steel us for the hard task of continuing to drink whiskey at the bar down the street, when the standard conversation of past flings came up. As I started sharing a story about an old girlfriend that was arrested three times during our three-year relationship, one of my buddies quipped, “Damn, you really like the crazy ones!” And the more I thought about it, the more I realized, he’s right. It’s not bad luck; it’s not me making them crazy (although my consistent refusal to define the relationships long after it’s clear we’re dating doesn’t help), I am genuinely attracted to crazy girls.
Now before you jump down my throat, saying “people throw the word crazy at any girl that they’ve been in a relationship with,” let me be clear. I’m not talking about your run of the mill crazy girl activities. Snooping through my phone? A girl I dated shattered my iPhone by throwing it through my bedroom window. Making a public scene? My college girlfriend got arrested for punching me in the face at a tailgate for a reason I’m still unclear on. I continued to date her for another year. Hell, even my high school girlfriend will, to this day, friend request any girl that posts cute shit on my Facebook wall. I haven’t spoken to her in the six years since our breakup.
I’m not here to caution you against the life choices I’ve made, or tell you I need to find a chill girl that never starts shit. Quite the opposite. I’m saying you need more crazy girls in your life. That girl that’s “one of the guys” and your mom wants you to marry? You’ll be bored of her within ten months. The girl that shares all the same opinions as you so you never fight? Soon enough you’ll be picking fights over things you don’t even give a shit about, just to get a rise. You want a girl that gets your heart thumping whenever you see her. It may be because you’re so in love or because she’s about to fight a waitress for “flirting with her man,” but that’s the point. Crazy girls may not have boundaries, but they have passion. You will never have to wonder if they’re secretly mad at you because believe me, you’ll know when they are and why. Isn’t that better that saying, “Babe, I know you’re mad just tell me why so we can talk about it” a hundred times? Plus you will be way more prepared in the event of zombie apocalypse, because your body is trained to stay calm and collected in the face of a snarling creature who hasn’t eaten anything.
The next time you see a girl who can barely stand screaming obscenities at a random guy dressed in black because she thinks he’s the bouncer that kicked her out of the bar? Introduce yourself. When you come home from happy hour and your girlfriend (who you haven’t given a house key to) is on your couch screaming at you to let her smell your dick because she knows you were out with that skank, maybe it’s time to propose. After all, that is the open-arm attitude that America was founded on. Does the plaque on the Statue of Liberty not read, “Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses of crazy girls?”
Something like that, anyway..
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