Ranking Your Terrible Breakfasts

Ranking Your Terrible Breakfasts

Every morning, I wake up at 5:30 a.m. sharp. After my morning run and subsequent shower, I get dressed, throw on Sportscenter, and make myself a nice, hearty breakfast before work. I’ll start by making a really healthy smoothie, with the perfect mix of fruits, veggies, and protein. I’ll then usually go with some scrambled eggs, bacon, and toast, occasionally subbing or adding oatmeal or pancakes. It’s a great way to get my day going, nourish my body, and be fully ready to be at my best during the work day.

This is what I would say if I wasn’t a complete piece of shit. I, like many of you, wake up at the last possible moment and cram a shower and getting dressed into as little time as possible. Breakfast is an absolute afterthought. In those sixty seconds in between hastily throwing on clothes and getting into your car, you likely need to grab something to put in your stomach so you don’t start thinking about lunch at 9:30 a.m. Once you’re in the malnourished hell of your postgrad kitchen, your slim pickings get ranked as follows:

5. Toast. Just toast.

Everyone has had that perfect piece of toast. Perfect level of heat and crispiness, your favorite topping generously but carefully spread, tasting better with each bite. This isn’t that piece of toast. It’s either burnt to a crisp or still softer than puppy shit. Either butter or your least favorite jelly is clumsily spread over about half of it, and the crumbs get all over your shirt and somehow stay there until you see your boss that morning.

4. Coffee, Advil, and a Cigarette

It’s neither healthy, filling, nor hygienic, but my friend Crazy Gary swears by it. Breakfast of champions, but only if you’re playing for the championship of being the biggest piece of crap at work. Also, you’ll shit your brains out within 45 minutes of ingesting this which can be a positive if you’re looking to kill some time.

3. Generic Granola Bar

It looks healthy, but it probably isn’t. There’s probably some fruit filling that’s the equivalent of melted gushers and it’ll keep you full for around thirty minutes. But hell, at least it takes the edge off. Maybe you’re a little classier than most and you’ve got some organic, free trade, energy boosting granola, but regardless, this twig of a bar isn’t going to stop your stomach from screaming at you all morning. It’s borderline depressing.

2. Piece of Fruit

The classic healthy go-to of any man on the run, it’ll be somewhat filling and you won’t feel like complete shit for eating it. Banana, apple, orange, whatever your choice may be, it’ll get the job done in the short term. It’s fairly easy to eat on the go, plus if you choose banana, once you heave your peel out the window you get to fondly think about the scene from Billy Madison.

1. Fast Food Breakfast

Creme de la creme, homie. Taking the time and money to get a fast food breakfast is as good as it gets for a rushed pre-work breakfast. You may be taking on a few more calories and taking up a bit more time than the previous options, but if you can spare it, make it happen. It’s filling and goddamn delicious. Nothing says breakfast like cheese and grease, and every fast food breakfast nails those food groups. Starting your day off with a Honey-Butter Chicken Biscuit and hash browns from Whataburger means that no matter how shitty your day at work, short of getting fired, your day was still awesome.

Image via Shutterstock

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Kyle Bandujo

The artist formerly known as Crash Davis. My kid doesn't think I'm funny.

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